I Don’t Mean to Brag. But…
Thursday July 14th 2016, 11:51 am
Filed under: General

Did you know that if you leave just the right combination of McDonalds bags and a vaguely damp umbrella unattended in your vehicle for a couple of days, your car will smell just like a hobo’s ass?



On Turning Into Our Mothers
Sunday May 08th 2016, 12:55 pm
Filed under: General

It is slowly happening to me – that old cliche’.

I find myself talking to strangers in the grocery store aisle. Catching my victim’s eye, I exclaim,“Gawd, I hate how they promote things as having no ‘high fructose corn syrup’ and then the first ingredient is corn syrup.” The lady smiles kindly and we exchange a few sentences. Shortly thereafter, I regret having put myself out there, as I keep running into this person and now she likely feels obliged to continue to make conversation with me. I can hear “The Thrill is Gone” playing in my head, and undoubtedly, she is as relieved as I am, when she finally says, “Well, have a good day. I’m going home.”

My mom talks to everybody.

She genuinely likes everybody. Unlike me, she doesn’t find them immediately tiresome, nor does she worry they find her tiresome.

No doubt, she annoys people. Lots of ’em. Daily.

She will insert herself into situations, offering money if someone turns up short on funds while checking out of a store. She remembers being there herself, so when I tell her she might embarrass someone, she offers that hadn’t thought of that aspect. There was no judgment involved on her part. She just wanted to help.

She pounces on the disabled, offering to reach things for them or push them around. It speaks well of our local wheelchair-bound folks that none of them have told her to fuck off. Once again, her heart is in exactly the right place.

She really understands deep down that we are all in this together, and she takes that whole “love thy neighbor” thing to new heights. She is absolutely the kind of person people take advantage of. Once, over the phone, she told me, “My new neighbor called my cell. She needed some detergent so I told her I was at work, but the door was unlocked so she could find it herself.” If she had been in the room with me, she could have seen my head explode. But, really, she does the right thing. The crazy thing. The dumb thing. But, the right thing. The thing that involves loving and trusting people.

And, you know what? Maybe that can work, if for no other reason than that it catches people off guard, so it’s more difficult for them to then turn around and be assholes.

Having my own daughter helped to put me on the road to being my mother. I was very self-absorbed, and when Charlotte came along, it became nearly impossible to maintain a respectable level of selfishness. How can you, when you are eating the burnt part of the meal you ruined while helping your kid learn to tie her shoes?

Priorities change. We learn that the most important part of us is the part that we offer to others with no expectation. That is the stuff that makes our souls bigger, and as a result, sometimes, lovely people make us crayon drawings.

Thank you, Mom, for being such an amazing example of how to be a good person. This is my version of a crayon drawing for you.

Maybe if I try very hard and I get very lucky, I will somehow find it in myself to turn into my mother.



Satan’s Little Helper 2.0
Friday April 29th 2016, 9:25 am
Filed under: General

Sitting in the dark watching t.v.  I reboot my phone.  The “Verizon” start screen must be making my face glow red.

Michael asks, “What kind of demons are you messing with over there?”

I rebuff his nosiness.  “Whatever kind of deals with the devil I’m making are my private affairs, thank you very much.”

He offers up tech support, “You know that some of those deal-with-the devil type apps can spy on you.  Did you read the user agreement?”

“Yes, it said blah blah immortal soul blah blah blah.  I hit ‘allow’.”

 

 

 

 

 

 



Beep Beep Zoom Splat
Monday March 14th 2016, 1:19 pm
Filed under: General

I like predators.  I do.

I even like “Predator 2” with Danny Glover.  I get judged harshly over this one, but I think it holds up well as an action movie.  They aren’t trying to change the world with these films, so we don’t have to be snobs about them.  As far as I can tell, their main thrust is just to show the audience how various things look through heat-sensitive goggles, and I am so down with that.   Show us a microwave burrito!  A gas station hot dog that is cold in the middle!  Holy shit, show us a dog peeing on a hydrant on a clear autumn day!  I love it all.

But, mostly I love cartoon predators.  The Looney Toons variety.  I adored Sylvester and hated Tweety Bird.  (Nobody likes a tattletale, kids.)

Mostly, though, I hated that fucking smug roadrunner as much as poor Wile E. Coyote ever did.  I mean, the bird never had to pay its dues –  just kept eating free bird seed and running away.

Where is the sympathy for the coyote who is starving in the desert and wasting all his money on defective gadgets?  I never understood why he didn’t just have some pre-killed roadrunner shipped to him, but I guess, like the T Rex in “Jurassic Park,” he did not want to be fed, he wanted to chase his dinner.  I suppose I’m always gonna root for the underdog – the guy who keeps getting knocked down and standing back up, because those characters are portraying our human condition.  There are no roadrunners in real life.  They are a myth.

Michael and I saw two coyotes walking near the side of the road as we were driving to Lexington this past weekend. We do not know anything about coyotes and their habits, but we found it strange they were so visible.  It was early morning but long after sunrise.  I surmised that maybe these coyotes held jobs on the city council there. He suggested their primary concern as concilmen would be to have speed bumps installed to “slow down all these damn birds.”  I got that joke after a few beats and decided I married a genius.

Anyway, today I am gonna attempt to declog our basement drain.  I’m going to science it using vinegar and baking soda. And, because I am actually Wile E. Coyote, our house may explode.  Don’t worry though, we’ll just draw a new one.

That’s all, folks.



Ye Olde Krogertowne
Tuesday February 16th 2016, 2:36 pm
Filed under: General

So, I am losing my mind to try one of these lemon blueberry bagels.  I love and need my carbs.  They help me stay bootylicious, you know.  (Yes, my references always range between being 5 to 30 years out of date.  If you have a problem with that, I don’t think you are ready for this jelly.)

My first mistake was speaking to someone before I finished my morning coffee.  I had only swigged down half of it before my conversation with the man I will henceforth refer to as Ye Olde Breadguy.  Now you should know, before I go into this, that I was kind and gracious throughout this exchange, and post-coffee the silliness of it might not have even got on my radar.

But, it did get on there, and now I am sharing, because it has started to tickle me a little.

It started when I asked Ye Olde Breadguy if he had seen any lemon blueberry bagels.  He said he had never heard of them, so I told him, “Oh well, no worries.  They may not even be out yet.  Thanks, anyway.”

That could have been the end of it.  But, no.  He goes on to say, “I don’t have any kind of blueberry bagels.  Blueberries are not in season.”  Then I felt somehow ignorant for not having checked my “Farmers Almanac” on that point.  I’m only half joking.  I was actually a bit shamed.

On the other hand, he was standing directly in front of several packages of blueberry bagels even as he was generously bestowing this information on me.  No kidding.  They were right behind him.  I did not point this out, because I am a fucking super hero of niceness today.  Except for this snarky-assed blog post.

Super.

Hero.

Of niceness.

Anyhow, the whole thing was disconcerting. Not because he was in such close proximity to the very animal he was professing not to have.  That added to the goofiness, of course, but that’s not my issue.

My problem is this.  Blueberries being out of season is, at best, only tangentally related to the question at hand.  The season is not particularly relevant, because….wait for it…..

FUCKING PRESERVATIVES EXIST!!!!

Yes.  Yes, they do.  They have for some time, in fact.

So, what we have here must be a time travel situation.  He is obviously from a time well before mono and diglycerides, maybe even before the very first grandma took fresh cucumbers and popped them in a jar with vinegar and spices.  Hang on there.  I need to look this up.

Googling.  Googling.  Ok, here we are.

The first recorded canning started in France in the 1790’s, while dehydration of fruits and vegetables was accomplished by people in the Middle East as early as 12,000 BC.

Either way you look at it, it’s high time to shut the hell up about the seasonality of things unless we are wanting to eat them fresh, and even then, there are greenhouses.  Yep, greenhouses exist as well.  I don’t think I’m blowing anyone’s mind with these facts, but I want to shout them from the rooftops just this one time, in hopes of never having to talk about this ever again.  Ever.

Fresh blueberries do sound really good right now.  Too bad they are out of season.

 



Alas! Poor Yorick! I Knew a Guy Who Knew Him
Thursday February 11th 2016, 12:24 pm
Filed under: General

My hairdresser was in a movie.  She said it was an original indy version of a Jennifer Aniston flick called “Catch and Release.”  I googled that and found it starred Jennifer Garner.  So, I must have one of the details confused.  We aren’t close friends, so a call out of nowhere for clarification on this matter seems kinda stalkerish.  No worries, I will grill her about it after my hair grows out a bit more.

Anyway, she played a hairdresser.  To me, that seems a bit too on the nose, and I asked her if she has concerns about being typecast.  She said she does.

Brace yourselves, people!

She almost cut Susan Sarandon’s hair.  She didn’t actually meet her or do her hair, but she could have, if her portfolio had been chosen by Susan Sarandon’s personal assistant, or maybe even by Sarandon herself.  I didn’t try to do research on this point.  Let’s just pretend, for now, that Susan herself rejected the portfolio and bask for a moment in that warm glow.  Imagine she held the folder in her delicate hand and possibly muttered, “Nah” before tossing it aside.  Dear god, to be a fly on that wall!

That seems mean-spirited, but I assure you I trust this woman more than I do my husband and have mad respect for her.  Yet, I find our seemingly universal fascination with celebrity intriguing and sometimes laughable.

None of us are above it.  I’m not.  I saw Darryl Isaacs, a local personal injury lawyer, after he got out of a yoga class, and I stared way too long.    He’s a big guy, and apparently had had his first yoga class in one of the more advanced rooms.  I was in the bunny hot yoga class, and almost died.   It wasn’t even my first class.  Seriously, I felt bad for like two days after.  So, part of me was fascinated that he was still able to stand, and the other part kept yelling at me, “HE WAS ON THE TV!  HE IS ONE WITH THE MAGIC BOX!  ALL HAIL THE MAGIC BOX!”

My dear Michael has had two run-ins with celebrity.  He saw a former Miss America having lunch at “Hometown Buffet.”  He also saw the owner of Papa John’s ordering lunch at Qdoba.  Go figure.  The guy is a huge asshole politically.  But, you know, MAGIC BOX.

When Charlotte was in middle school, she met Dawne Gee of Wave 3.  Dawne Gee must have been very friendly with her.  Charlotte never recovered. We heard about their meeting every time she could work it into a conversation. In fact, it’s become a running joke in the family for whenever one of us won’t let something go.

I guess if I’m honest, which sounds like a phrase one uses when she is about to lie, ’cause why the disclaimer? Anyway, if I’m honest, I would like to be a little more focused on the people I really do know than all the people I don’t.  Keep in mind that I said that.  It’s a noble thought, and I want credit. We have made plans to go to a comic con where we could meet Walton Goggins.  I want to sniff his armpits.  I hope that doesn’t make you think less of me.  I am the one who had that noble thought, remember?