If you’ve been reading me for any length of time, you may remember how dramatic I can be about dental visits and how annoying that might be to others in my life. Well, believe me, I’m way more irritating in person than you could possibly get your mind around without having witnessed it firsthand.
My husband is a saint, folks. A lesser man would’ve killed me by now and no jury could have convicted him.
But, due to his undying patience and love, I am alive and well and recovering from yet another ordeal at the dentist.
What I see and hear at the dentist’s office and what someone with even a toe in reality might hear and see are two very different things indeed.
So, I give you:
DR. STRANGETOOTH MEETS THE NEUROTIC
The scene opens with Dr. Strangetooth pulling on our imbecile heroine’s bottom lip and describling the problem to her as she sees it.
What the dentist says:
You need a skin graft done. When I pull on your bottom lip like this, I’m tugging at your gum line. Ideally, I shouldn’t be able to pull your gum away from your teeth like that.
What the neurotic thinks:
Excuse me, Dr. Crazyouttayermind, but this has never come up before. Nobody but you has ever pulled my bottom lip out quite that far before. Uh, correction. Nobody has pulled my bottom lip out to any degree whatsoever! I’ve gotten the occasional cheek pinch, but never has anyone EVER pulled on my bottom lip! So, just maybe the problem is YOU. If you could bring yourself to leave my lip alone, maybe my gums would stay in place just fine. Am I wrong?
What the dentist says:
This won’t cause you problems right away, but years down the line it might.
What the neurotic hears:
This is completely unnecessary. I just want to cause you pain.
What the dentist says:
It’s a simple surgical procedure. The doctor would cut a little skin from your palate, and graft it to your gum so that it stays in place.
What the neurotic thinks:
My palate is the top inside part of my mouth, right? The part that has always been sensitive to things like big shiny scalpels? Oh, and last time I was under anesthesia I puked every fifteen to twenty minutes for at least sixteen hours afterward…You are a sadistic Nazi bitch.
The dentist says:
You’re pale, so you might notice a little bruising or swelling for a couple days after the procedure.
The neurotic thinks:
I’m going to look just like THIS.
The dentist says:
It’s going to cost about $600.00
The neurotic thinks:
And our insurance, if we’re lucky, will cover half of that.
The dentist says:
We can either call the peridontist now, or I can give you a referral so that you can call and schedule the surgery.
The neurotic thinks:
Hand me the referral. I’ll hold onto it until I get an irrefutable sign from god.
Don’t go for it! It’s a scam! Get a second opinion! It sounds painful. Resist. They will use needles and will say anything.
Yep, it’s a scam. But, don’t worry about me. I know her kind and I’m onto her.
My wife is the same way. I’ve had to go from super supportive to sarcastically nasty just to get her to go back and get a check-up! Honestly though, I feel really bad for her.
They’ve started advertising something in my town where you have a “anxiety-free visit” to the dentist. Basically, they give you something to calm your nerves. They don’t say what, but I have a vision of one of those girls in a tight shirt at a bar, walking around with test tubes full of expensive shots.