You Didn’t Hear It From Me

Psst.

Yeah, you.

You know that actor Tom Arnold who used to be married to Rosanne Barr?

Lower your inner voice. I don’t want him to hear us.

Yeah, so, I think he’s on coke.

I shit you not.

I just watched him on The Ellen Degeneres Show. He says he is smoking a lot and chewing Nicorette at the same time. That’s a joke, I suppose. But, I think he also intended it to explain why he’s fidgety as hell and can’t stop rambling.

I’ve had friends who did coke. Never a fan of it myself as I purposely gear myself toward vices that don’t negatively effect my sex life. But, I recognize the signs of a coke habit from my experience of being on the phone for six hours with someone who can’t let me hang up, because if I do he won’t have anyone to talk to or, more accurately, talk at.

That’s why my #1 favorite telling sign of a coke-head is: He cannot shut up. Second fave sign of a coke-head is: Really really can’t shut up, no matter how hard he tries. Not ever. Third favorite is: He is obviously uncomfortable sitting still for even two seconds.

So, anyway, do you know any garden variety cigarette smokers who also act like this? I ask, ’cause I could always be wrong. He could just be high on life for all I know. But, if he’s that high on life, they should bottle that “life” and sell it to the rest of us poor slobs who are happy just to get through the day without hitting someone in the head.

Speaking of heads, here are some other famous coke-heads:

Robin Williams – I love Robin. But, I calls ’em like I see ’em.

Richard Lewis – Oh my god! Have you ever tried to follow his train of thought? Don’t. I tried it. You can run along side it like Superman. He’s not deep or anything, so you can easily keep up. But, believe me, it leads to Nowheresville.

George W. Bush* – I guess he had to quit the habit after the stolen election. But, I’d love to see him all coked up, delivering a speech. Cocaine is like truth serum to some degree. So, I am confident that his rediscovered habit would make for a fascinating but disturbing State of the Union Address. Nobody watches that stuff now, because we know it’s just gonna be, “Blah, blah, blah. All is well.” But, ratings would soar if audiences got a heads up that Bush would be addressing the nation while high on coke. Screw reality tv! We’re gonna get a peek into our president’s messed up psyche!

*Note to women everywhere: Don’t marry anyone whose last name is Bush. This is an especially important guideline if your first name is Seema.