Let’s Get Physical

Summer is coming, and that means I only have a few weeks to get myself looking presentable enough to wear shorts without inspiring people to throw up on me.

When I get people-throwing-up-on-me-fat, I do weight training in the relative privacy of my own home.

This has both good and bad aspects.

The benefits of working out alone at home instead of going to a gym or taking an aerobics class are as follows:

1. You pick your own music, and don’t have to do aerobics to teenie bopper shit unless that is what you’d prefer to listen to on that particular day.

2. You can sit down and take a few breaths mid-workout, and nobody has to know.

3. You can lie on the floor and pray for a second wind mid-workout, and nobody has to know.

4. You can say, “Fuck this, it’s lunch time” and go have yourself a sandwich mid-workout, and nobody has to know.

5. You don’t have to sweat, strain or grunt in public.

6. No need to purchase cute exercise clothes. You’re at home. Underwear and tennis shoes are fine!

Some drawbacks of working out at home:

1. You can go get yourself a sandwich mid-workout, and nobody has to know but YOU.

2. When you work out in your underwear, you can really see your fat bouncing all around, and it ain’t pretty.

3. SO ALONE! SO ALONE! Oh God, I am so lonely! If only there were someone here to whom I could whine about how tired and miserable I am.

4. Still lonely!

5. It’s just me here.

6. Why doesn’t somebody call?

I think I’ve sufficiently covered both sides of that issue, so we’re moving on to my music choices.

My main requirement for workout music is that it make me want to move or jump up and down. This can be a tall order at times. My ass is a sedentary object, and you know all that physics stuff about an object in motion staying in motion, don’t you?

Good. ‘Cause I wouldn’t be any help there. Nope. All I know is that my ass is fat, and the following music inspires me to move it around a bit:

• “I’ll Take You There” – The Staple Singers
• “Me and Julio Down By the Schoolyard” – Paul Simon
• “Just Like Heaven” – The Cure
• “Swamp” – The Talking Heads
• “Get Off” – Prince
• “Buddy Holly” – Weezer
• “Eep Opp Ork Ah-Ah (Means I love You)” – from Saturday Mornig Cartoons’ Greatest Hits – Violent Femmes
• “Days and Days” – Concrete Blonde
• “The Impression That I Get” – The Mighty Mighty Bosstones
• “Shoop” – TLC
• “Rock N Roll High School” – Ramones
• “Dancing With Myself” – Billy Idol (Sweat, sweat, sweat…)
• “Witchcraft” – Book of Love
• “Push It” – Salt N Peppa (I’m really pushing it by the end here, and I so need her to remind me to pump hard.)

I switch these out frequently, of course. So, if you have any music suggestions that might supply me with ample inertia to keep me moving throughout my grueling and intense yet effective workout, I would appreciate the feedback.

But, now I have some bad news for you. I feel we are fast approaching the end of our time together today – or at least my part of our time together.

You see, as clever as it was of me to put off exercising by writing about it, I have quite completely exhausted my ideas on this subject. So, if you’ll kindly excuse me, I have some sweating and grunting and sandwich eating to do.

Peace out.