Wax On, Wax Off

Up until last night, I have always used mens’ disposable razors. Although I am a woman, lady razors do not remove what I must assume to be the masculine hair on my legs. Maybe the lady razors are too gentle for my butch, iron pumping hair follicles to take seriously. I cut myself shaving quite a bit, though and I can’t use “Neat” hair remover because I’m horribly allergic to it.

So, when I saw “Veet” hair remover at Kroger the other day, I bought it. It’s described on the box as a “warm wax hair removal system.” In layman’s terms, it’s hot wax to apply to your skin and then painfully rip off.

“You only have to do it every two or three weeks.” That is Veet’s main selling point.

That is the selling point because “We want you to put hot wax on your bikini area and then rip it off” is not a good sales pitch.

The question I would put to you is this: Which would you rather do?

Option 1: Trim your nails every couple of days.

Option 2: Have someone use pliers to rip them right out from under your cuticles, leaving only bloody stubs?

Hey, the nails won’t grow back for at least a year if you choose Option 2. Something to think about…

While you’re thinking about that, check out my instructions for Veet use.

Instructions for “Veet” Use:

Step 1: Obtain very hot water. Assemble “roll on” applicator. Remove paper strips from box. Wait a few minutes for wax to appear to be ready.

Step 2: Suspecting this will be very painful, wish that you had had the foresight to get drunk first.

Step 3: Get naked and get into the tub. Again, wish you were drunk.

Step 4: Roll the hot wax onto your leg. Apply one of the paper strips to the area you just waxed. Wait. Wait some more. Rip off the “strip” after it seems to be ready. Stifle a scream.

Step 5: Notice that maybe you should have waited longer, because both the hair on your leg and the wax you just applied to that hair are still there.

Step 6: Feel like an idiot for screwing up something that any moron could do properly.

Step 7: Be slightly relieved that you didn’t do it properly, realizing that it probably hurts a lot more when done correctly.

Step 8: Recognize the fact that you will never put this stuff on your bikini area, because, geez, that’s gotta hurt like hell.

Step 9: Repeat steps 4 and 5 until you run out of strips.

Step 10: Notice that you are now completely covered in gooey wax and used strips. Think “Ew, I hope this stuff washes off easily.”

Step 11: Throw away all remnants of “Veet”. Optional: Throw away anything that reminds you of wax and/or bees.

Step 12: Take a bath to get the wax off.

Step 13: SHAVE YOUR LEGS!

Please note: If you wish to skip Steps 1-12 and go directly to Step 13, I certainly won’t judge you for it.