Both my daughter and my husband are more than happy to ignore me most of the time. My daughter has her friends and my husband has his computer. They don’t need me…
…unless I’m on the toilet.
…unless I’m taking a relaxing bath.
…unless I’m trying with some difficulty to concentrate on something else.
On these occasions, they can’t possibly be expected to wait five minutes to ask me what they gotta ask me or tell me what they gotta tell me.
My daughter frequently knocks on the bathroom door while I am in the middle of moving my bowels. I perform this exercise in a very lady-like manner, of course – yet this is a moment where a person appreciates a modicum of privacy. The quiet dignity that befits someone on a throne.
Yeah, well, in another life perhaps I will have gained enough bathroom karma coupons to enjoy a private poop. Anyone got any of these to trade? I have Chuck E. Cheese tokens. Takers?
True story: I’m sitting on the toilet quiet dignity etc. etc. when my daughter Charlotte yells through the door, “Mom!”
“Yeah.” (I have to answer or they’ll have the fire department break down the door. Of this, I am certain.)
“I just remembered I have a field trip tomorrow.”
“You have to sign the permission slip.”
“Alright. But can it wait? I have toilet paper in one hand. If you put a permission slip in the other, I might get confused and wipe on the wrong thing.”
My husband’s urgent business is usually relating to some sci-fi movie or other that’s due to come out in three weeks but that he’s really excited about now and which he must explain to me in great detail while I’m in the restroom with the door closed. They key word in that last sentence is “closed.” I do not have an open door policy on this issue. I want my husband and daughter to rejoice in each other’s company during these brief moments when I am otherwise disposed. To be happy and healthy and to watch TV and eat ice cream or play games on the Internet. To do all of these things while leaving me alone.
I love them dearly and wouldn’t trade my life with them for anything. I honestly wouldn’t. That said, I’ll pay you $3000 to kidnap them both so I can take a private dump.
Note: If you are reading my blog for the first time today, please feel free to stay for a while. I love company. Most of the time. When you do move on, check out the good folks on my blogroll. They love company too.