I Am a Rock, I Am an Island, I Am Surrounded

Both my daughter and my husband are more than happy to ignore me most of the time. My daughter has her friends and my husband has his computer. They don’t need me…

…unless I’m on the toilet.

…unless I’m taking a relaxing bath.

…unless I’m trying with some difficulty to concentrate on something else.

On these occasions, they can’t possibly be expected to wait five minutes to ask me what they gotta ask me or tell me what they gotta tell me.

My daughter frequently knocks on the bathroom door while I am in the middle of moving my bowels. I perform this exercise in a very lady-like manner, of course – yet this is a moment where a person appreciates a modicum of privacy. The quiet dignity that befits someone on a throne.

Yeah, well, in another life perhaps I will have gained enough bathroom karma coupons to enjoy a private poop. Anyone got any of these to trade? I have Chuck E. Cheese tokens. Takers?

True story: I’m sitting on the toilet quiet dignity etc. etc. when my daughter Charlotte yells through the door, “Mom!”

“Yeah.” (I have to answer or they’ll have the fire department break down the door. Of this, I am certain.)

“I just remembered I have a field trip tomorrow.”


“You have to sign the permission slip.”

“Alright. But can it wait? I have toilet paper in one hand. If you put a permission slip in the other, I might get confused and wipe on the wrong thing.”


My husband’s urgent business is usually relating to some sci-fi movie or other that’s due to come out in three weeks but that he’s really excited about now and which he must explain to me in great detail while I’m in the restroom with the door closed. They key word in that last sentence is “closed.” I do not have an open door policy on this issue. I want my husband and daughter to rejoice in each other’s company during these brief moments when I am otherwise disposed. To be happy and healthy and to watch TV and eat ice cream or play games on the Internet. To do all of these things while leaving me alone.

I love them dearly and wouldn’t trade my life with them for anything. I honestly wouldn’t. That said, I’ll pay you $3000 to kidnap them both so I can take a private dump.

Note: If you are reading my blog for the first time today, please feel free to stay for a while. I love company. Most of the time. When you do move on, check out the good folks on my blogroll. They love company too.

Comments 8

  • Thank God in heaven that my husband is really wierd bout privacy during these little moments of life. He will run the other way when I’m in the bathroom and expects the same from me. He also will keep the kids occupied for me if I’m errrr…..otherwise disposed.

  • I am in total agreement with you. Elimination is one of God’s gifts that offers us all a few moments of private meditation during our busy days.

    I have a 5 year old and unless Mom is home I can’t keep the door completely closed yet on the off chance he pulls one of those adorable stunts that endangers his life or casues major property damage while I’m otherwise indisposed.

    You’ve given me hope that one day I’ll at least be able to use the lock again.

  • sweet jesus…i think you’ve stolen my family…not that i would know from experience what you’re talking about…not that I’ve EVER been moved to move my bowels…quiet dignity, etc.

  • I could have died laughing. That was so funny! Do you also get the phone calls that will cause the world to end if you don’t take it right then and there?

  • Question, though – did you have an open door policy before you had your daughter? Because Sean and I have some of our best conversations at this time. BECAUSE HE CAN’T GET AWAY.


  • I hate to admit it, but I do the same thing. Michael likes it though. He gets lonely. 🙂

  • LMAO, I am so glad to find out I am not the only person in the world who has this problem.

    It’s either my 5yo daughter, the dog, or my husband who has to desperatly seek my audience while on my throne. But 90% of the time it’s just to ‘chat’ or stare at me aimlessly.

    And it doesnt matter whether the door is closed or not, they just walk right on in without knocking.

  • um. strange. i’ve noticed this about my uhsbnad too. i have made a decree that my time in the bathroom is sacred and he can’t be within a 10 radius of the door. we’ll see how long it lasts…

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