Master of Horrors

Brought to you by the same masters of horror who wrote The Bible and The Koran, comes the new bestseller God Is Gonna’ Get Medieval on Your Sorry Sinnin’ Ass.

Personally, I have no fear of God. I don’t think God is out to get anyone.

I think he is way too lazy for that. God has a really really big television on which he watches nothing but ESPN. God loves football. He watches hockey sometimes, but mostly football.

He turns over all the commercials with starving kids. He doesn’t attempt to strike down all the lawyers with lightning bolts. He might not be able to hit them anyway. They can get pretty agile and fast chasing ambulances. And he hasn’t moved out of that funky old Lazy Boy of his since Adam and Eve and the snake stopped coming around. Oh yeah, I forgot the flood. He mostly just ordered the angels to handle that one. He doesn’t like unpleasantness.

He didn’t know about the Vietnam War until it was over. He missed slavery. Wish we all had. Some of the atrocities committed in his name by the Christians might have merited another flood. But, by the time he gets the news it’s 200 years old. He doesn’t like to interfere anyway. It’s our planet now.

We can take care of each other. Or, we can wait for God to take care of us. But, if we wait, it might be a very long time. It’s always football season in heaven.

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