If I Ever Turn Up Mysteriously Dead…

No doubt hundreds of internet porn sites have portrayed bored housewives in a sexy manner. The implication is that in our spare time we love to “service” servicemen.

Housewife, in a sultry voice – “Thanks for fixing that troublesome sink, Mr. Stiff.”

Plumber, bashfully – “No problem, Ma’am. Always a pleasure…Uh, what are yuh doin’ there?”

Housewife, continuing to unzip his trousers – “I’m going to clean your pipes for you.”

Guess what. I don’t have a link here to even one of those sites. Sorry.

I am a stay at home housewife. The above scenario has never even come close to happening. My husband has suggested that we could get a pretty good discount on a lot of things and probably even free cable and internet service if I weren’t such a prude. I’m pretty sure he is serious.

But, for my part, if I were really so concerned about our finances and/ or saving him money that I would ho myself out, wouldn’t I be working ? (Refer back to title.) Yes. Yes, I would.

So, what do I do? Well, aside from the yard work, making dinner and what barely passes for house cleaning, precious little really. I took a three hour nap after going to the dentist today. I sometimes take a three hour nap after going to the mall. Spending money makes me tired.

When Michael (my husband) came home for lunch today I was curled up in our big chair. I had a fire going in the fireplace. He mentioned several times that the central air was running. I said, “So, that’s why I’m cold.” (Refer back to title.)

Anyway, what I do while he’s earning our keep, slaving away at his geeky job, is watch a lot of movies. I’ll watch a movie again that I’ve already seen three times if it means putting off mowing the lawn for a couple of hours.

That, coupled with the fact that we see a lot of stuff at the theater, is the reason that I am the foremost authority on movies today. That may seem like a bold statement. It is true.

What movies past and present are worth seeing? That will have to wait for tomorrow.

But, meanwhile, if I should turn up mysteriously dead and it looks like an accident, think, “Who would have a motive to kill this poor woman?” The answer might surprise you.

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