Lies and Carbonation

Remember the old joke,”That girl is like 7up. She never had it. Never will”?

I do. I also remember the 7up ad the joke was based on. Of all the giant corporations I trust*, without question, because I know they always have the publics best interests at heart, I guess I love the 7up the best. But, I can’t help wondering why after promising they’d never have it, 7up has it now. Caffeine that is. Why did you lie, 7up? Why? I thought what we had was real.

Maybe they are trying to get some of the Mountain Dew drinkers to switch. I have news for them. The withdrawal from Mountain Dew is so severe that it makes getting off crack look like a walk in the park. If they are looking to get those people, they will also have to provide the clinics and caffeine injections required for them to make the transition. They can’t do it on their own.

I drink Diet Caffeine Free Mountain Dew. I really do. I know it’s a joke, though. Mountain Dew is to Diet Caffeine Free Mountain dew as cocaine is to getting a soy bean stuck in your nose.

Even though Diet Caffeine Free Mountain Dew is the liquid equivalent of The Lawrence Welk Show, my husband wishes me to give it up. He says that diet sodas are bad for me because they contain artificial sweeteners that cause migraines.

Although I see his point, I refuse to give up one of my last vices. If I give up any more of my vices, the Catholics will have to make me a saint and I’m sure that is a drag. Mother Teresa didn’t get much me time. Plus, all the good saint jobs like, say, Patron Saint of Debauchery are probably already filled.

But, back to my truth in advertising campaign. I’m wondering why some lies are allowed on packaging while others are not. For example, products which contain casein can be labeled non dairy. Casein is a milk derivative. I don’t personally know anyone who is allergic to casein, but I don’t think it’s fair to mislead them.

Why is this allowed by the FDA? Maybe it is a matter of percentages. If a product contains only a small amount of milk derivatives, they can legally get away with saying that it contains none at all. Does this make sense even to a lawyer? When do the words “a little” and “none at all” ever mean the same thing?

If a product could contain even a trace of peanuts, a warning label must be included somewhere on the packaging. I’m sure that this regulation came as the direct result of someone with a peanut allergy dying after eating a seemingly harmless oatmeal cookie.

Does this mean that the FDA values people with peanut allergies more than people with dairy allergies? No. All it means is that people dying from eating peanuts embarrasses the FDA, because such instances are investigated.

The FDA is much less concerned with the overall health of the population than with appearing to be concerned and, therefore, covering their proverbial asses. Until someone actually dies from digesting casein, they arel likely to continue to allow the mislabeling of foods that contain dairy.

Maybe if enough fingers are pointed at them, they will change their ways. I’m pointing mine. It’s the middle one.

*You will encounter sarcasm in this post. Please note that I use the word “trust” for humorous purposes only and I do not condone its practice.

Comments 2

  • No, but I remember the expression “She’s like 7-Eleven. She’s fast, friendly, and always open.”

  • Ever since I stopped drinking Diet Coke and other Aspartame-based diet drinks my migraines have almost completely subsided. I now sustain myself almost exclusively on Splenda-based drinks like Waist Watchers by Adirondack Soda.

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