Nobody Doesn’t Like Er… Big Boobies?

Sean mentions here that Sara Lee owns Playtex. While it is just a wee bit dastardly to promote a pencil-thin body image for women in your bra advertisements and then turn around and offer them a big ol’ cheesecake to eat, I don’t see a conflict of interests there. On the other hand, if Sara Lee starts selling diet pills under another name, let me know so I can have a fit about it.

It’s not Playtex I have a problem with, it’s bras in general.

I haven’t burned all of mine in protest, but I am mean to them and call them names sometimes. I’m skeptical about these “cup and a half”-sized bras being any more comfortable than any other bra I’ve worn, and I’ll tell you why.

A bra hinders the natural movement of a woman’s breasts. If a woman has large breasts, a bra puts a strain on her back*, because her weight is not distributed properly. Then, to add to the fun, some bras contain under-wires to poke her in front and clasps to poke her in the back.

Under-wires. How better to explain under-wires than to simply say that bra manufacturers are misogynists?

Under-wires are metal wires they sew into certain bras for the purpose of support. If you exchange the word “support” in my last sentence for the words “stabbing you in the chest,” the sentence becomes more accurate.

When a bra with an under-wire is washed, the stitching that holds the wire in it’s place becomes looser and looser. Then, when the woman who owns said torture device puts it on, the wire will remain properly in place only long enough for her to get somewhere very public and then poke her repeatedly and urgently until she can find a private place to remove the bra and/or rip the wire out of it.

The wire in the photo above worked its way out in exactly this fashion, but I pulled it out further to make it more visible in the picture. Seeing is believing.

So, is the difference in cup size going to change the bra as we know it? No. My guess is that bras will always will poke and pinch women just like the lecherous old man who grabs your ass as you walk by his table at McDonald’s.

The more I write, the more I see that a burning is the only answer here. The old man? Leave him out. Too much gristle. Just the bras. We have to show those bra companies that we’re mad as hell and we’re not going to take it. Who’s with me?

Who am I kidding? No one wants her boobs hanging around her ankles. Bras are a necessary evil – like Michael Bolton. You see, if we didn’t have Michael Bolton to compare it to, we’d never know what good music sounded like. Ok, that’s silly. Disregard that.

Anyway, I realize now that I should have used the word “boobies” more in this post. Sorry, guys.

Boobies. Boobies. Boobies.

There.

*From my experience, exercise bras are a different matter altogether and are much more friendly in this area. They aren’t as flattering in that they press you in instead of pushing your ladies up and at attention, but they tend to be easy on the back.

Comments 4

  • Thanks, I needed that.

  • Underwires are evil. I’ve wondered why they couldn’t encase the metal in, say, kevlar, then wrap it with a soft silk cover? (Or perhaps there’s something that would provide the “support” of metal without the “stabbing you in the chest” support of metal.

    Between you, my spouse, and my employer’s latest exclusive product event with Anna Kournikova (who, honestly, does nothing for me; give me Gina Gershon or Helen Hunt), this has been a very educational two weeks on boobies.

    Now if someone could explain the sizing algorithm for women’s clothes, and why a “size 8” doesn’t always mean “size 8”, I would be truly enlightened. 🙂

  • sports bras do feel better but, they give you one big football shaped boob in the middle of your chest. I am one of those what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger folk so, I will continue adding to my chest scars in my effort to have two separate perky breasts.

  • I know this was posted forever ago, but I need to respond now, because I just found this as I was searching for bra info…

    I concur! Ooh, those infuriating bra companies!

    Well, on the showing them we mean business part, but I’m not sure about the method. Burning my bras and refusing to harness my boobs, might lead to them knocking me out cold if I walked too briskly.
    (I am, however, quite fond of that rolling up my shirt and tucking it under my braless boobs move. It provides enough support for typing or reading and reminds my husband, along with my audible emissions, that I am a dainty type lady.)

    Anyway, going along with this and the previous response about the mystery of why a “size 8” is not always a “size 8” (Yeah! Why?! WTF? If the manufacturers can’t make a size consistently because of style, at least give us the real measurements. I hate that! They do that on some men’s clothes. And BTW, doesn’t anyone make petite plus for short waisted folk? For crying out loud! What am I suppose to do, cut a foot of material from the waist of every dress I buy, because the waist falls where my hips are? Hemming won’t fix this! I have seen others of my kind. There are enough of us short-n-squat people out there! Is this our special kangaroo compartment? Am I suppose to keep supplies in there? A picnic lunch?)…

    Doesn’t anybody out there have a web-guide to what bra manufacturers are thinking/doing when they label something a particular size??!!

    I thought for sure that some industrious sort would have put something together. I don’t know, just anything that will lead me to a bra that resembles something useful. How about making a comprehensive list and reviews? It could have important information like, “If your boobs are fine where they are and you don’t want them separated by three inches of material or directly under your arms, don’t buy BRAND NAME HERE!” or “BRAND NAME HERE insists on consistently making the cups sizes one size smaller than labeled, so don’t buy them or go up one size if you buy them, or you will go insane!” or “Don’t even bother buying BRAND NAME HERE if you are over 25, because they are really all demi-cup BS even if they are supposedly full coverage and you’ll be pining for younger days!” or “Unless you are looking for underwires that will encircle your ears as well as your breasts, don’t buy BRAND NAME HERE!” or “BRAND NAME HERE doesn’t grasp the concept of a large woman with a smaller cup size or a small woman with a larger cup size!”

    I mean, what is going on people? Can’t we all agree on a system and use it?

    I swear, a bunch of us with bra grievance issues need to make a website and say this crap! Maybe we could even take pictures or make some boob shape drawings or use vegetables or something…”If your boobs are shaped like rutabagas, then this is the bra style for you, baby.” No?

    Is it just me? Are my boobs so misshapen that I can’t find a single freaking decent bra? Just one?

    Do I need to get out the duck tape and ace bandage and fashion one like I’m the freaking Mac Gyver of lingerie?
    If I am driven to it, I’ll do it! I swear, I have the first aid kit and the tool/craft box, and I’ll do it, so don’t taunt me! It will be hideously ugly and wonderfully supportive and I will wear it on the outside of my clothing as a protest! And all of you form over function designers out there will be forced to look and cringe at my creation! You will go blind, never to design your garbage again!

    Arrrghh!

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