No Thanks Are Needed – I’m Here to Help

Anyone who reads my blog knows by now that I am the consummate authority on manners in the United States. Oh, there are others who might claim this title. But, I can kick their asses, because they are punks.

I just watched the the re-airing of Late Night with Conan O’ Brien. Christina Ricci was the guest.

She talked about how she has “a thing” about people grabbing food off her plate, and how she thinks this behavior is rude. Well, it is rude beyond belief. But, I’d have to venture that this phenomenon is not widespread. Or, is it?

Do people in Hollywood commonly grab food off each other’s plates? I hope not. But, just in case this behavior is spreading or somehow becoming socially acceptable, I’m here to save you all from what I view as the worst atrocity since Magneto tried to sacrifice Rogue in order to make everyone mutants to further his own agenda. Or, was that Bush? I dunno.

Anyway, I don’t care how famous you are, if you grab something off my plate without asking first, you will get bitten. I haven’t had my shots either, so beware.

Aside from just protecting my dinner bowl, my motivation in biting you would be this: You assumed a degree of intimacy between us that maybe you shouldn’t have assumed, because now you got my rabies or distemper or whatever.

Intimacy is the key word there. The hubby and I grab stuff off each other’s plates and that’s fine, because we already have each other’s germs.

But, let’s say Michael and I are out with another heterosexual couple. The woman starts grabbing food off Michael’s plate and he doesn’t seem to mind. What am I to think? You got it – he’s sleeping with her.

That bastard! How dare he? After I’ve given him the best years of my life? And now, what thanks do I get for my loving devotion? He’s sharing his tomatoes with her.

If he wants to prove to me that he is innocent of adultery and that she’s just some kooky gal from hollywood, he better tell her to back off his veggies.

Maybe you think I’m overreacting a bit? Well, to me the whole food grabbing scenario is just a step down from feeding someone grapes. If you are feeding each other grapes, it’s not just about getting your five a day.

Maybe I over equate food and sex? Yeah, well, maybe that’s why I used to eat a lot of bratwurst? But, even if I do, how can I be sure that the woman who is feeding Michael grapes doesn’t also equate food with sex?

Like I said, I’m the utmost authority on manners, so I don’t want to appear uncivilized. That’s why I’m not advocating biting anyone so hard you take a finger off. But, if someone reaches an unwelcome paw onto your plate, I don’t think giving him/her a courteous little nip on the hand is out of the question as a way to curb this unseemly behavior.

Oh, and, by the way, if you push away your plate as though to indicate you are finished eating, you give up your claim to the meal and may seek no retribution by way of hand biting. The food becomes property of whomever grabs it first and he/she may bite you if you should decide you are not as full as you thought you were and reach out an unwary hand.

Just so you know.

Comments 6

  • I believe you’ve covered it. Well done. And I will remember not to feed your husband grapes the next time we have dinner.

  • Like I said, I’m all about serving my public. 🙂

  • One of my father’s favorite stories about Vietnam takes place in the mess hall. I won’t go into the gory details but it has something to do with a rookie who decided that he wants to help himself to the plates of his peers and multiple forks being impaled in his wrist.

  • My Dad never told any of his Nam stories, but he did teach me to curse in Vietnamese at a very young age – much to my Mother’s chagrin. 🙂

  • Since we are all going out to eat tomorrow I promise not to touch your plate.

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