More Mysterious Than Stone Henge

Have you ever met even one person who is happy with his/her driver’s license photo? I’ll assume your answer is “No.” But, feel free to correct me if I’m wrong on this one.

Some of you may have heard stories about the woman who got a good picture taken at the DMV, and then, on the very same day, she got a good hair cut at Fantastic Sams. Or, so the legend goes.

But, I’m convinced that such an occurrence would test the very fabric of reality. Furthermore, the burden of proof in this case should rest, not in my hands, but in the hands of those who who would stand to profit if such a thing were even remotely possible.

So, anyway, I got a terrible driver’s license mug shot taken yesterday, which I will have to live with until January of 2007. I’m average looking, but in this particular photograph, I strongly resemble what I always imagined Grendel would look like if he wasn’t all covered in fur from head to foot.

So now I’m wondering if super hot people have the same problem. Do the people at the DMV work their magic to make the John Travoltas and the Courtney Coxs of the world look butt-ugly in their license photos?

Here’s something else that baffles me. You’d think, just by playing the odds, that maybe one in a few thousand pictures taken at the DMV would have to turn out ok, now wouldn’t you? Yet, this doesn’t seem to be the case, so how does this anomaly happen?

I have theories, but none of them seems to completely explain away this mystery. How do they do it? Do we, the victims, play an unconscious role in this farce? Is it some sort of vast conspiracy? I don’t know for sure, so I’m asking you:

*What’s up with that?!

*My new daytime talk-show/game-show where everybody wins! The only wrong answer is the one you don’t submit! Offer void where prohibited by good sense.

Comments 8

  • Hrm…maybe the secret is the order in which you execute your daily tasks? Get a good haircut at Fantastic Sams first and then go to the DMV? Perhaps that’s where we’ve all been getting it wrong.

    Never heard of Fantastic Sams but I assume, from your sarcasm, that they probably have the equivalent quality of Supercuts out here. Yes, the name of an establishment says a lot…especially when interpreted by people as freakish as ourselves.

    I had something else witty to type but am unable to squeeze it from my brain out into my fingertips. We just picked up another race car down in CT and drove it to NH for welding. I’m back in MA. I am tired. Fah.


  • I haven’t gone to Fantastic Sams for a hair cut in at least six years. I once got a cut so bad there that when I went to Regis to get it fixed the beautician’s greeting was something like, “What happened to YOU?!”

    We do have Supercuts here, but I’ve shied away from it. I gather from your comments that my fear was justified. 🙂

  • Actually, one of the worst hair cuts I can remember was at Regis.

    Thanks for the link, BTW.

  • Ya know, I’ve had a few bad haircuts at Regis too. But, I’ve finally found someone there whom I trust to cut my hair. If and when she retires, I may just have to let my hair grow out again. 🙂

  • I actually had ONE good driver’s license photo. Got it when I was nineteen. It looks like I’m flirting with the camera operator, but I was actually smiling coyly and winking for all the cops I knew would pull me over. Maybe that was the one that balanced out the thousands.

  • I’ll try the coy smiling thing next time. I fear I may “lose” the one I just had made. 🙂

  • I think everyone’s assuming the camera used by the DMV is of a type made in this century.

    I just renewed my passport. Strangely, they let you submit your own photo and, stranger still, I made sure it looked really horrible just so it wouldn’t stick out because you can never be too careful about being flagged as a smart-ass and target for a full body search.

    I had my wife take it, since she’s really good at getting shots of me not smiling (has to do with her trying to frame it in geologic time). Next I went to work with photoshop converting it to black and white (surpisingly still an option), deleting the corporate logo from my shirt, removiving a few shadows under the chin (don’t want to look too bad), etc. The net effect is I look uncomfortable, but in a harmless, law-abiding way.

    I got my passport back… without comment … and it has this nifty holograph thingie over the photo which obfuscates the photo, thus my masterful Pshop anti-touchup effort seems to have been wasted. The true test will come next year when I go on vacation…

  • Official government ID
    I just renewed my passport. Strangely, they let you submit your own photo and, stranger still, I made sure it looked really horrible just so it wouldn

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