Stumbly

I’m sober as sober can be today, which is a good thing, I guess, since it’s not quite 10 a.m. yet. But, I must say, sobriety really sucks. Send tequila. Go on a beer run. For God’s sake, help me drown the pain that is my life!…

I’m better now. Had my coffee.

If someone offers you drugs, you could just say, “No.” Or, you could do as I do and just say, “I’ll take cream and artificial sweetener in mine. Thank you.”

Oh, hey, sorry if I offended anyone with my “urgent massage” joke the other day. I’m a mean drunk.

Actually, if I must have a label attached to my drunkenness, it would be much more accurate for me to call myself a sleepy drunk. If I have more than three drinks, I head straight to bed. I don’t care which bed, either. Whomever’s bed is closest will do nicely.

By the way, try not to wake me up if you notice I’m sleeping on top of your cat or something of equal importance to you. Gently and quietly lift my offending limb from your endangered feline, or if necessary, roll me over and off of your flattened pet without making a big fuss about it. You don’t want to be rude to your guest.

However, if somehow I managed to stumble outside and lay down in your driveway, thinking in my inebriated state that it looked all billowy and inviting, kindly place a few orange cones around my body for safety’s sake. Thanks. You’re a dear.

Anyway, since the theme of my post has turned into drunk classification, here’s a little something I find interesting.

It occurred to me the other night that at least four of the seven dwarfs are drunks. Happy, Sleepy, Grumpy and Dopey all need to get to an AA meeting as soon as possible. Dopey may also need to get himself to an NA meeting. He’s one messed up little fella. Look at him staring at his hands in a manner that suggests he’s just dropped some acid. But, I digress…

The other three dwarfs are a bit harder to sort out, but I’ll give it a go:

Doc

There are those who like to play doctor after they’ve had a few, but I don’t see Doc as a drunk stereotype.

Bashful

A lot of folks become more outgoing when intoxicated. My husband is the exception to this rule. He is a bashful drunk. On any given night, if Michael has had the pleasure of meeting with Jose Cuervo, he needn’t look any further for companionship.

But, I don’t see Bashful the dwarf as an alcoholic. I see him as more of a stalker type. He loves to watch Snow White when she is unaware of his presence, and even more so than the other six dwarfs, he likes to stare at her while she’s sleeping.

Sneezy

Sneezy is an asthmatic and an allergy sufferer. I blame Snow White for the bulk of his allergy problems. Poor Sneezy is probably allergic to the Clorox she’s always using to mop the floor, or any one of the other toxic chemicals she brought with her to clean the house. Also, she’s probably the type that drowns herself in heavy cologne, in a vain attempt to attract some Prince Charming. What a stupid broad! I hate that bitch Snow White, and I don’t care who knows it.

Does the fact that three of the dwarfs obviously don’t have “drunk names” blow my drunken dwarf theory? I don’t think it does.

I suspect that the above mentioned three dwarfs were originally going to be named “Barfy”, “Stumbly” and “Spitty” until someone at Disney finally became aware of this correlation.

In closing, I should add that I find it quite unfortunate that Stumbly the dwarf didn
‘t make the final cut. Surely, he’d have been beloved by one and all.

Spitty and Barfy? Er…Not so much.

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