Cardinal Sin

I just started reading The Thorn Birds. It’s the book that inspired the steamy 1983 made for television mini-series of the same name.

I haven’t read much of the book yet, but I adore the mini-series. The first time I watched it, I remember being afraid my mom would come into the room, catch me up to no good, and make me change the channel. So, whenever I managed to take my eyes off the screen, I’d glance in the direction of the door to make sure I wasn’t gonna get busted. It was that hot.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the story, here it is. Richard Chamberlain plays Ralph, a young priest who falls in love with a girl named *Meggie (Rachel Ward) and is, supposedly, torn between his love for her and his devotion to God.

My take on the whole thing is that Ralph is simply a shameless tease. He even unconscionably runs around shirtless in front of Meggie’s horny old grandmother (Barbara Stanwyk). His motto is, “If you got it, flaunt it. But, only give it up for real on special occasions – like the Eucharist.” The old woman, I guess, is dosed up on too much estrogen, and seeing his naked chest is much more than her frail body can stand. She tries to tap that ass, but Ralph cruelly reminds her that he is a priest. He tells her he will not cheat on God with a shriveled-up prune like her. (Maybe those aren’t his exact words, but that’s the general idea.)

No. Ralph will only cheat on God with Meggie, a hot young thing who can’t get enough of his priestly organ. But, even Meggie has to wait inhumanely long intervals between his booty calls, because he’s all torn and stuff.

Anyway, all this goes on for years and years, and eventually, Ralph becomes a Cardinal, which is, of course, a sin of pride for him. Meggie gets married and divorced, and has a kid, not necessarily in that order. I’m just recapping the main points for you…Oh, and I’m pretty sure Meggie actually dies from horniness at the end. Or, at least that’s how I remember it. I’d have to watch it again to be completely certain. I don’t have it on dvd, so I can’t check my facts. (Your mission, Christmas shoppers, should you choose to accept it: Get out there and find it!)

Why does this lurid little tale hold so much fascination for someone as worldly** as I? We may never know. But, there’s something about watching forbidden love with a priest that leaves me needing an urgent massage every time.

*By the way, Meggie is way too young for courting at the outset of the movie, and it’s quite twisted that his guardianship of her ever turns sexual even though she initiates it. But, I’m not going there. Not today. Not ever.

**How worldly am I, you ask? Well, I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain. I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend…