On the Brink’s of Disaster

First off, this is a self-indulgent post. By self-indulgent I mean I’ll enjoy writing it more than you’ll enjoy reading it. But, I can’t resist this topic anymore. I’ve held it in for too long.

The persons handling advertising for Brink’s Home Security should be fired. Not just fired from their jobs but literally set on fire. They created the most asinine commercial ever, and that is quite a feat when you consider how stiff the competition is for that dubious honor.

(Remember how I said this is a self-indulgent post? It’s important you keep that in mind.)

If you haven’t seen the commercial, here’s a brief rundown:

We see a house with five newspapers on the front porch, and a mailbox stuffed full. We hear a male voice-over, telling us that a robber has guessed these displays of neglect to be signs that nobody is home. The one sign the robber missed, according to the all knowing voice-over, is the Brinks Home Security logo etc.

This wouldn’t bother me at all if they left it right there. But they don’t. Here’s where the flaw in logic comes in:

There are people home!


Yep, the next thing we see after the five newspapers on the porch is a woman inside the house with three kids.

So, here’s a poser. Why didn’t the lazy bitch bring in the newspapers or check the mail? What the fuck is wrong with her?!

Sure a woman with three kids is busy, but the kids are all walking age. In fact, she could have sent any one of them out for the newspaper. Who knows, maybe the kids inherited the laziness gene from Mom. (Am I right to assume this to be a dominant gene? Its effects in the mother’s case are so pronounced, I’d find it hard to believe otherwise.)

Jesus, and I thought I was lazy! This person can’t be troubled to set foot on her own front porch!

She doesn’t appear to be sick or wheelchair bound. Maybe she has simply forgotten that she subscribes to a newspaper or gets mail.

I hope this woman doesn’t have pets. It might slip her mind to feed them for a month or so, and then, god forbid, the robbers would see the tell-tale animal carcasses in her yard.

Deep Male Voice-over:

“The robber sees the bones of this family’s dead cat as a sign that nobody is home to bury it…But, the sign he didn’t see is the Brinks Home Security Sign…”

I guess the sloth’s brats fend for themselves where food is concerned, and I’d even go so far as to say she has her groceries delivered. That would explain the mystery of how they get food into the house without ever stepping onto the porch, except that I wonder if she could be bothered to answer the door for a delivery person.

Five days for chrissakes! Rome wasn’t built in a day, but I’ll bet they got quite a bit done in five. Romans probably checked their mail, too.

I’m just sayin’. What a lazy bitch.

(I’m done now. Thanks for seeing it through to the end. I warned ya.)

Comments 4

  • I had to read it to the end, i’m your mother. Just kidding. In fact we were talking about that same commerical the other night. The part I like is she is not concerned after they call. Couldn’t the guy still come in the house? If, of course, he could get over the news papers on the porch. Love you

  • I think we’re all with you on that one. Well put. Really. I was riveted.

  • I still get ground over the fallen and can’t get up one… The camera guy couldn’t have given her a hand?

  • Mom –

    The phone call thing is inexplicable. Don’t get me started again.

    Scott San –

    Glad you saw the commercial. Obviously, I feared the post would be lost on everyone else.

    Susan –

    I wish I had the commercial you are talking about on tape; I’d watch it again and again. It was hilarious.

    Not that there’s anything inherantly funny about an old woman falling down the stairs. But, she had it going on.

    “I’ll tumble for ya, I’ll tumble for ya, I’ll tumble for ya. I’ll tumble for you…” – Boy George – possibly inspired by that old lady

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