I Want to Put My Christmas Shoe Up Bob Carlisle’s Christmas Ass

Just heard this stupid song for the fifty-seventh time this year.

Please take a moment to familiarize yourself with the lyrics in the link above.

Done now?


I cringe every time I hear that song. I hate it mostly because it’s contrived above and beyond my tolerance for the contrived.

Then there’s this problem I have with the values it conveys.

Is there a need to kill off some kid’s mother in song in order to make the point that we should go out and spend money we don’t have at Christmas? Don’t we do that enough already without anyone’s mother having to die? Really now?

I’d like to think if I’m ever on my deathbed on Christmas Eve, I’d want Charlotte sitting next to me, holding my hand – not at the damn mall, buying me pumps.

But, who knows? Maybe I’d scream out crazy shit if I was delirious enough with fever…

One Possible But Unlikely Christmas Future:

I’m covered in sweat, looking pale and I’m Ally McBeal skinny. It’s obvious I don’t have long. My eyes look glazed, and I’ve begun raving at the walls and seeing dark visages. Charlotte is at my side.

“Get me some new boots! I’m dying. Bootsies is what I need. They’re on sale at Walmart. Fifty percent off! It’s a one day only sale! Get your little tail out of here before they run outta my size!… Oh my God!…It’s the Zinger Zapper! We don’t have Zingers! He’s gonna eat my soul instead!…”

I cough blood into a hankie. Charlotte is still standing there, stunned.

I continue, quite deranged, “What are you looking all wide-eyed and sad for? You heard me. Shoes! Now!”

As soon as she leaves the room, my fever breaks and I become more like myself again, but it’s too late. She’s off to buy shoes. And maybe Zingers.

Then, doubtless, some poor dumb bastard will spot her counting pennies in the checkout line and write yet another song about “Christmas Shoes” and maternal death – as if one song on that topic weren’t more than enough.

Comments 10

  • I completly agree. I have heard it many times, and I think you have to be pretty sick if this is one of your favorite christmas songs?? But, since I am your mother, if the need ever arises, I wear size 7 1/2.

  • ok, first of all: hahahahah.

    second, you’re so right. i bet that kid was a scam artist, and he’s going to fence those shoes as soon as he gets out of the store.

  • Mom,

    7 1/2? Good to know.


    Michael said the same exact thing the first time he heard that song. Great minds, I guess. 😀

  • Came across your blog randomly through syndic8, and this post made me laugh out loud. Yes there is a whole genre of tear jerking trucker songs designed to work pretty much like this one. I worry that there is such a passionate love of simple stories in the common culture. Like the one where our government spends 87 billon dollars, (counting up the last of the pennies that might otherwise pay for things like education) to deliver up the head of Saddam on a platter with a tongue depressor in his mouth… Wow, that was a leap. I don’t even know your political inclinations. I might have offended you, in addition to being a bit oblique. Oh, well, the tea hasn’t kicked in yet. Thanks for the laugh, G

  • Since you asked, I am glad they got Hussein. He was an evil bastard. But, there’s no denying we helped him get to where he was in the first place.

    But, the white house is all about show biz right now.

    And, yeah, you made a big jump there. You trying out for the Olympics? 🙂

  • I HATE “The Christmas Shoes”, too. Must be one of the worst songs ever written. But, FYI, the song is by a group called NewSong, not Bob Carlisle. (www.newsongonline.com)

  • First: you all suck.
    I think that is a great song and if you are all to stupid to understand what he was tryin to do with that song well its your problem. That is a great song and it is to bad that their are people like you all that cant respect and understand that song. So you dis-it by sayin that the boy is a scam artist.
    The song is about christmas time and how some people forget about all the other people who dont have it as good as us, and that we should help them. And FYI he never say that the boy dies, you never know, she could have survived!
    Dont dis what you dont understand!

  • Whatever the meaning of this song is supposed to be it still in no way, shape or form makes up for the true level of musical crap that is this song. I understand this song has meaning to the people that have lost someone, but musically it sucks. The only positive thing I can say about it is I’ve only heard it once……..

  • Thanks, Katie! I was beginning to wonder if there was any tenderness left in the world. This song has such a sweet story behind it and I cry every time I hear it. It’s pretty sad to see that my 8 year old has more depth and compassion than these “grown ups” who so openly share their ignorance. There was a time when a little boy trying to buy something for his dying mother would’ve been very special. There aren’t enough kids like that in the world today.
    I hope that you can all remember that we celebrate Christmas b/c our Savior was born on this day… It is better to give than to receive.

  • I do suck, Madam, and my husband is all the happier for that. I guess I was trying to make examine the materialistic motive behind the “sweet story.”

    And, Thea, if you want your particular 8 yr. old to go out and buy you shoes when you’re dying, I’ll give him the money, but he’ll miss out on having a few last moments with YOU, and that’s what Christmas is about. FAMILY, NOT FUCKIN’ SHOES.

    That’s not to say we shouldn’t be charitable. By all means feed the poor, make sure the poor have what they need, so nobody is without shoes. Do that all year long, in fact.

    But, the point is, and if it was lost on you the first time, it probably will be again, that MY kid being with me at Christmas means more to me than any shoes she could buy me, whether I’d been barefoot my whole life or not.

    But, maybe I’m ignorant, and Christmas is really all about buying shoes. Buy ’em up.

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