Debbie’s Jennifer Garner Acting Academy

I am not jealous of Jennifer Garner. I’m not. It’s absurd to suggest such a thing, because it couldn’t possibly be any further from the truth. But, when I get into the meat of this post, you may be tempted to think I am just some jealous wife whose husband jerks off to Alias once a week.

Well, frankly, what my husband does with his free time is nobody’s business but his own. I mean, if he likes to discover and dust off his Rambaldi artifact, I take no issue with that. It’s his artifact after all.

Nonetheless, I fear my motives in posting this will be questioned, so it may be necessary prove right from the start that I have no reason whatsoever to be envious of What’s Her Name. Therefore, I shall be more than happy to compare and contrast our lives for you.

Jennifer and I have a lot in common really:

  • As you may know, Jennifer Garner has a popular television series with millions of regular viewers.
    I, on the other hand, have a wildly unpopular weblog, and I get called a commie by some troll about once a week.
  • Jennifer Garner is paid $150,000 per lousy rotten crappy stupid episode of Alias.
    I, however, found a quarter a couple of months ago. It had some gunk on it, but I washed it off.
  • Jennifer Garner got to do voice overs for a video game.
    Some of you might say that I am way too old to be playing video games, and yet the only way you bastards will get my Playstation 2 away from me will be to pry it from my cold dead hands.
  • Jennifer Garner has made several movies.
    I like watching movies.
  • Jennifer Garner has a hot body.
    I have a great personality.

Now that I have demonstrated beyond a shadow of a doubt that a classy chick such as myself could never be jealous of such a loser, we can move on.

Yet Jennifer Garner does have a certain acting formula that seems to have gotten her pretty far in show biz. So, in case a few of you have the acting bug as well, I’m going to use this post to educate you on her methodology.

For this exercise, you will be the actress and I will be the director. I’ll give you the setup for the scene, and your job will be to figure out what expression or emotions you should convey.

To simplify things for all of us, I’ll make it a multiple choice quiz.

1. Your father has been beheaded right before your eyes, his blood spraying all over you at close range. You’re tied up and helpless and covered in gore. How do you react?

A. I scream in horror and vow revenge.

B. I’m slowly wrenching myself free of the ropes. I can’t let the terror of this incident sink in or I’m as good as dead. But, I am visibly shaken.

C. I display a certain vague curiosity about what just happened and pout sexily.

2. You are dragging your father’s headless corpse through some deserted frozen tundra, and it has become obvious to you that soon you will have to eat him if you mean to survive. What do we see on your face when the camera pans in for a closeup?

A. Resolve

B. Disgust

C. I display a certain vague curiosity and I pout sexily.

3. It’s the Apocalypse. The end of the world. Everyone you have ever known or loved is dead. They are all dead. You are the only person left on the earth AND your fucking glasses are broken. How do you react?

A. I wail and beat my breast uselessly as my heart breaks from the pain.

B. I scream until my voice gives out and then sob quietly.

C. I display vague curiosity and pout sexily.

So, how do you think you did? Click the extended entry to find out.

If you answered C for all three questions, congratulations, you are Jennifer Garner!

If you answered anything other than C for any or all of the questions, you are WAY more talented than Jennifer Garner. Congratulations!

Comments 24

  • Debbies of the world unite! What is beauty, fame and the devotion of millions of husbands compared to a brilliant sense of humor?

  • Jennifer Who ?

    Never heard of her, obviously someone whose meagre talents havent made it to the UK. After all if we need someone to pout and do very little else we have an ambundance of Footballers wives, not to mention the Spice Girls !!

    Anyhow, whats with the “wildly unpopular weblog”, your blog is the reason I get up in afternoon. Your blog produces more smiles per post than 90% of the others I read, and thats whats important in my book.

    Andy

  • Debbie,
    Are you an Alias widow as well? Damn, I wish we lived closer to one another. We could go out bowling together on Alias night.

    Andy,
    You mean you’ve heard of me and not her? That is so awesome I can’t even express it.

  • After a bit of further research, (well I clicked on the links in your entry), I can say that I haven’t seen Alias, havent seen Daredevil (heard it was rubbish so saved my

  • HAHAHAHA! That was pretty damned funny. I don’t watch much TV, so I also didn’t know Jennifer Whatsherface and this “Alias” until I read your post, but whoever the hell she is, she may have a nice body but you got more brains and wit. Bottom line, I’d rather read your blog than watch her show.

  • According to well-placed sources, Jennifer does not know the German words to 99 Luft Balloons.

  • Right on about Jennifer Garner! I did watch Daredevil and it was so crappy! I knew the movie sucked when they started fighting on the teeter-totters. I feel like a victim for having watched that movie:( And I hate it when people (mostly guys) say that they love Alias. Whatever.

  • i am a male and i can’t stand ALIAS, despite the fact that i am usually a fan of the genre. basically it is CHARMED pretending it has a degree.

  • you get better and better at this, my dear. Absolutely fabulous post. I shall now display a vague curiosity and pout sexily.

  • even though i love alias and i’d do jennifer garner in a hot second, i loved this post. very funny.

    even without the hilarious references to rimbaldi buffing, i would have loved this post because you mentioned my absolute favorite twilight zone epsiode. oh my god. how freaking terrifying would that be really? i shudder to even think about it. oh, that final scene is just burned into my memory. so so sad. okay. i have to go now and read a book, because, uhm, i can.

    πŸ˜€

  • I can’t stand people’s fascination with celebrities. For the most part they are shallow people who lead lives far from anything that can be admired. I really hate those shows that slobber all over them like Entertainment Tonight, Access Hollywood, etc. I have no idea who any star is dating or which “marriage” just broke up. I have three degrees, am happily married and lead a normal boring life. I have never had any attraction to any celebrity…except one…Jennifer Garner…she is the most beautiful girl next door goddess I have ever seen and I’d love to share a curious pouty moment with her. Excuse me now…my Rambaldi artifact need polishing.

  • I never much cared about seeing Alias. But now that you mention someone getting beheaded . . . well, I might have to shift my stance on the show.

    My best friend thinks Ms. Garner looks like a man. Any thoughts, people?

  • Nah, sorry Scott San, never saw anyone beheaded on Alias. I was simply trying think of a scene dramatic enough to make Jennifer change her expression. But, alas, it was no use.

  • To complare yourself to Jennifer Garner is a wretched, wretched thing to do. You are a woman of substance and style. Garner is a hack actress who works out far too much (and making her body resemble and adolescent teenaged boy in the process, which explains her popularity with Catholic priests), and have a giant horse face with huge jaw muscles that rival Maria Shriver-negger’s. Emaciated yet muscular; works for South African rebels, not so much the modern Tiny Tim; A talentless train wreck everyone must, simply must, look at. Once. Then gag violently.

  • Garner is a hack actress who works out far too much (and making her body resemble and adolescent teenaged boy in the process, which explains her popularity with Catholic priests)

    {Shrieks with laughter}

    I looked at that picture and am pretty sure those huge jaws are the result of bad cheek implants. You can see other examples of this on Awful Plastic Surgery.

  • Tried to use your trackbacks to link to this entry but got two error messages. Just thought I’d let you know. πŸ˜‰

  • Amen to that again!!!

  • 씨바 big deal, for Christ’s sake
    일반

  • Jennifer Garner is an ugly desperate whore. She is boring on screen and she is always the same. On ALIAS she is either crying or bitching out her colleagues; I bet this is what she is like off camera, too (a whiney spoiled bitch). I used to work at Disney Studios where ALIAS is filmed and I know for a fact that Jennifer Garner never auditioned for ALIAS, the role was written for her by J.J. Abrams. Ergo, on top of having no talent, she is a liar. I don’t think her body is anything special, either, and the ALIAS editors go to great pains to not let the viewing audience see a wide shot of her wide ass. Touchstone Television pays for her on-call personal trainer, too.

  • I came across your website by accident, during a picture search on google: “kids smoking” (and no, I’m not a pervert, I intended to use it for a Cd-cover). I was directed to your entry on bras, and it reminded me wery much of my old girlfriends profanities, whenever one of her bras would come apart in a public place (one incident, in a zoo, was particulary entertaning). I ended up staying on your site for almost two hours, laughing my ass off. Being a young man, somewhat cynical in the matters of the heart, its really good to know that there are actual women like you out there, it fills us with a certain degree of hope:-) I have bookmarked your site, and I am very much looking forward to reading future entries. Strange to ponder, that before the invention of the internet, I would have lived my hole life, not knowing that somewhere in America recides a bored, but busy and very funny woman. (I live in Denmark, europe, ca. uhh.. 12.000+ miles away, brave new world indeed) Keep up the good work. Best regards Rune M., Odense, Denmark

  • I agree with scott-san’s best friend. Jennifer Garner has an ugly man-jaw and lips like Steven Tyler’s. She has no breasts at all. The only thing that looks good about her is her legs(from the poster from Thirteen Going On Thirty). I don’t see why people find her attractive at all.

  • Thanks Debbie, I’m so happy to see that I am not alone! For the record, Jennifer’s got nothing on you! She always reminds me of a drag queen. Note to the ‘straight’ men who would like to ‘do’ her: Time to come out of the closet, I think you’re gay.
    (Disclaimer: I’ve got nothing against gay people)

  • Definitely the nanny/personal assistant. Jen has all she can do to keep a good grip on Violet .someone else has to maagne the purse, tickets, etc. She’s got all my respect for making as normal a life as possible for Violet while coping with all the idiot papparazzi.

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