I am not jealous of Jennifer Garner. I’m not. It’s absurd to suggest such a thing, because it couldn’t possibly be any further from the truth. But, when I get into the meat of this post, you may be tempted to think I am just some jealous wife whose husband jerks off to Alias once a week.
Well, frankly, what my husband does with his free time is nobody’s business but his own. I mean, if he likes to discover and dust off his Rambaldi artifact, I take no issue with that. It’s his artifact after all.
Nonetheless, I fear my motives in posting this will be questioned, so it may be necessary prove right from the start that I have no reason whatsoever to be envious of What’s Her Name. Therefore, I shall be more than happy to compare and contrast our lives for you.
Jennifer and I have a lot in common really:
- As you may know, Jennifer Garner has a popular television series with millions of regular viewers.
I, on the other hand, have a wildly unpopular weblog, and I get called a commie by some troll about once a week.
- Jennifer Garner is paid $150,000 per lousy rotten crappy stupid episode of Alias.
I, however, found a quarter a couple of months ago. It had some gunk on it, but I washed it off.
- Jennifer Garner got to do voice overs for a video game.
Some of you might say that I am way too old to be playing video games, and yet the only way you bastards will get my Playstation 2 away from me will be to pry it from my cold dead hands.
- Jennifer Garner has made several movies.
I like watching movies.
- Jennifer Garner has a hot body.
I have a great personality.
Now that I have demonstrated beyond a shadow of a doubt that a classy chick such as myself could never be jealous of such a loser, we can move on.
Yet Jennifer Garner does have a certain acting formula that seems to have gotten her pretty far in show biz. So, in case a few of you have the acting bug as well, I’m going to use this post to educate you on her methodology.
For this exercise, you will be the actress and I will be the director. I’ll give you the setup for the scene, and your job will be to figure out what expression or emotions you should convey.
To simplify things for all of us, I’ll make it a multiple choice quiz.
1. Your father has been beheaded right before your eyes, his blood spraying all over you at close range. You’re tied up and helpless and covered in gore. How do you react?
A. I scream in horror and vow revenge.
B. I’m slowly wrenching myself free of the ropes. I can’t let the terror of this incident sink in or I’m as good as dead. But, I am visibly shaken.
C. I display a certain vague curiosity about what just happened and pout sexily.
2. You are dragging your father’s headless corpse through some deserted frozen tundra, and it has become obvious to you that soon you will have to eat him if you mean to survive. What do we see on your face when the camera pans in for a closeup?
C. I display a certain vague curiosity and I pout sexily.
3. It’s the Apocalypse. The end of the world. Everyone you have ever known or loved is dead. They are all dead. You are the only person left on the earth AND your fucking glasses are broken. How do you react?
A. I wail and beat my breast uselessly as my heart breaks from the pain.
B. I scream until my voice gives out and then sob quietly.
C. I display vague curiosity and pout sexily.
So, how do you think you did? Click the extended entry to find out.
If you answered C for all three questions, congratulations, you are Jennifer Garner!
If you answered anything other than C for any or all of the questions, you are WAY more talented than Jennifer Garner. Congratulations!