Your Ass Is Not a Hovercraft

If you sprinkle when you tinkle. Be a sweetie and wipe the seatie. – Lau Tzu

Just kidding about Lau Tzu there, but whoever wrote those words was wise indeed.

This wisdom was initially intended for men, but should be extended to women as well, because I can’t tell you how many times I’ve started to sit down in a public restroom and then been confronted with droplets of urine all over the seat.

This gets me a little upset, but I understand how it happens.

Some ladies like to hover over the toilet in order to avoid touching the germy seat, but in so doing they piss all over it. This leaves the next person in that stall with three options:

  1. Hover like the person before you, and leave behind an even larger mess for the next poor soul who enters the stall.
  2. Wipe up someone else’s urine. (Not my fave, but I’ve done it when there was a line behind me and I HAD to go.)
  3. Use another stall. (My personal favorite. Without a doubt, it’s the coward’s way out, but it’s also the most sanitary.)*

As it turns out, the germy public toilet seat is not as bad as you might think, although it’s quite possible that the germ count rises dramatically on a toilet seat after someone sprays piss on it. Sigh.

I found the article I linked to above interesting in that it suggested the only STD you can contract from a toilet seat is crabs. Now, it’s a well-known fact that crabs can jump pretty far, so those who hover are theoretically no safer from them than the rest of us are.

So, good news. In order to get an incurable venereal disease, you’re gonna have to do something more stimulating than just sitting on a toilet seat.

Ladies, I challenge you. Sit on a public toilet seat today. Just say, “What the fuck” and make your move. Carpe Diem! Live a little! Don’t kill the whales!

But, if you find you must hover, please be a sweetie and wipe the seatie.

*You’ll notice I didn’t mention seat covers here. That’s because I’m giving the pee sprayer the benefit of the doubt by assuming there were none at her disposal.

Comments 14

  • Re: Crabs from toilet seats…
    Consider that another good option for going “Brazilian”, as they say. Crabs live in pubic hair.

  • Indeed. Looks like we’re all thinking about toilets today. *LOL*

  • sometimes things need to be said. bravo for being the one who dares to say them.

  • I’ve been hovering since high school when taking a shit in public restrooms, and now I’m quite a “pro”. I never miss, even with the most unruly strains of diarrhea (ugh… sorry).

  • I’ve got an even worse one for ya. When I once worked as Human Resources in the Electronics Industry, we had many foreign women who had an even more interesting form of peeing. Instead of hovering, they actually stood on the seat. It was no secret, and even if it was, you couldn’t help but notice every time a woman of a certain nationality went into the stall her feet soon disappeared and when she came out you would find not only pee on the seat, but also footprints.

    I got so sick of it, that on a particularly busy potty day I walked in directly behind the one woman and found her pee. I confronted her and she DENIED it!!!!

    Part of my job soon became writing “Be a sweetie, wipe the seatie” signs in four languages. I don’t know what makes me sicker -those who leave their pee behind for the rest of us, or those who maybe wipe the seat and we don’t even know we’re sitting on their pee polished seat -after all blotting with TP doesn’t clean the seat.

  • One of my pet peeves. Thanks for addressing it. Great blog, btw.

  • Just to add… my place of occupation provides antibacterial wipes to wipe the seats if we are so inclined (all hail White King and Domestos!).

    And just a TMI moment – I am a seat wiper. I clean up my own messes. *NOD* So there.

  • DEBBIE! Where are you?

    I miss reading you. *pout*

    Okay, okay, not “pout” exactly, that would be weird, but…close enough.

    SO???? WTF?

  • I wish I had a better excuse for you, but I’ve simply been vapid for a few days and didn’t want to show off all the empty space in my head. 🙂

  • Two things– apparently, urine is sterile. So if you DO accidentally sit in it, there are no germies in there. I don’t know if that means, like a good dose of bleach, it sterlizes any germs that are there, but here’s hoping.

    And second– I totally hate the sprinklers. I cannot for the life of me “squat”– and I think it’s a bit much, really, especially considering the fact that at least HALF of those who squat also choose to exit the bathroom WITHOUT WASHING THEIR FRICKIN’ HANDS!!!!!!!

    And third (I lied about two things) just FYI– the worst thing is the hand dryers. Don’t use them. They have serious issues (as I was informed by a friend of mine who took a hospital infection control course had to read a study which tested them and found NONE of them did NOT have serious cases of Salmonella, e-coli & hepatitis.)

    So. I can’t count, but I do fume when I see little yellow drops on the seat I must use.

    Ladies– if you’re so holy and pure, that you can’t put your ass on a toilet seat, what makes you think WE who are less picky want to wipe up YOUR PEE? You’re the ones making the bathroom disgusting. (this goes out to not all hoverers– just the ones that make a mess).

  • I have never hovered, but I guess I’d have stronger legs if I did.

  • Wow. I just finished composing and hanging a sign for the bathroom at work on this very topic. I walked right into the stall after a woman who had sprayed her gift all over the seat. It’s dark in there so I couldn’t see it & voila! I’m wearing her urine on my legs. Lovely. I decided to google for a couple of pee-on-the-seat witticisms & found this site. Glad I’m not alone today 🙂 thanks.

  • Jedi toilet usage
    I read a post by Elena today that mentioned the “German toilet”, bringing back some old memories of my high school years in Germany. I never understood why they had those funny-looking “shelves” where you first lodge your poop before…

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