Weird Searches Version 6.0

Question: Is she so desperate for material that she’s doing another weird searches post?

Answer: Yes. Yes, she is. I is. Whatever.

So, yeah, the words underlined below are the actual search words some unlucky bastards typed into their search bars only to find my site. My responses immediately follow the search words.

lonely fat and horny

Don’t use this on your resume, but hey we’ve all been there. When I was lonely, fat and horny, I tended to add drunkenness into the mix whenever possible. I found it took the edge off the other three maladies quite nicely.

And, when you’re lonely, fat, horny and drunk, you’ll feel the world is your oyster – that is, until the thought of oysters in general makes you puke up all that tequila you swigged down like it was fucking Kool-aid. What the fuck was I…were you thinking?

piss in shoe

Was that your shoe? I’m shorry. Couldn’t help it. Drunk too mush tequila. Got a mint? Thank you very mush. Wanna see my etshings? No? You sure? Ok, I’m pulling my pants back up now.

answer me great oracle

Loose lips sink ships.

photos of bored mussels

The last time I threw a party the Mollusks left early using a lame excuse about having to filter silt early the next morning, but at least I got a picture before they rushed off.

sour gnats

We of the open mouth clan do tend to have the problem of unintentionally swallowing more than our share of bugs but, damn, if you’re eating enough of them to do taste comparisons, maybe you should consider shutting up for a minute or two. Just a suggestion.

potato booty

Prepare to be boarded! We are commandeering this Ore Ida vessel. If ye desireth to live, ye had best tell Cap’n Morgan where ye keepest the french fries. Arr.

what is a pair of tens called?

It’s called – drumroll please – a pair of tens. *faint clash of cymbals*

Thanks for coming out, folks. I’ll be here all week.

veet hair removal hurts your legs

See my choir robe? Turn and face the congregation, sister.

how to wipe your ass

Uh, not to be rude, but if you’re old enough to read, you’re getting this lesson kinda late.

That’s all I’ve got for you today. But, I’ll leave you with the immortal words of Cher:

“This is a song for the lonely (and fat and horny), can you hear me callin’ you?”

Comments 12

  • I have *got* to find a way to start using “I’ve got to filter silt” in conversation.

  • You got me on the sour gnats.

  • As usual your “searches” post shows just how weird, wonderful, bizarre, curious, peculiar, and downright fantastic your visitors brains are !!

    Potato Booty is the most worrying one for me (from the male connotation of Booty) I shall never be happy to make Bangers and Mash again !!

    But I feel you didn

  • I’m still LMAO! Thanks for the morning grins, Debbie.

  • oh, i do miss the weird searches. i don’t allow google to index the blog anymore so i can’t have this kind of fun. sigh. but it does save me the stress and anxiety of seeing nasty kiddie porn searches though, so i guess it’s all good.

  • You know some of those really make you wonder! The one ” how to wipe your ass” maybe they were searching for bathroom tissue coupons. On the other hand “pee in shoe”, That person could actually have pee in his or her shoe and trying desperly to get the pee out of their shoe. You know sometimes you don’t know how blessed you are. I woke up today and i don’t have pee in my shoe and had no problems wiping my butt ( it is getting bigger all the time but still not what you could call a real problem) I guess we’ll never know what these people needed. Have you ever thought about emailing them back and saying ” do what???” Thanks for the smile, Mom

  • These people aren’t sending me e-mails, Mom. I have no way of knowing who did those searches. But, you seem so adamant (What ever happened to Adam Ant?) that it wasn’t you, I’m beginning to suspect someone very close to me…

  • yes, cher! i hear you! loud and clear! i’m shaking my potato booty!

  • Adam Ant went LOOPY-LOO and is now fat and bald and takes his clothes off in pubs and gets arrested (see June 12).

  • as far as i’m concerned, you can blog on search strings all you want until you start getting hits on the search strings themselves – in other words, i find your responses hysterical

    oh, and Adam Ant is living in my basement – i’m keeping him alive on tequila and oysters

  • Dayment, whats up with fat and bald !!! 😉 LOL

    Adam Ant had a documentary about him on UK tv late last year. He really has gone quite mad (as in really, medically do lally). It was such a shame to see someone who was so influential to become so lost and self harming. At the end of documentary, he was trying to rebuild himself but it was a very sorry sight.

    What I had never realised, was after his Ant Days success he moved to LA and was engaged to Heather Graham (giving hope to all us fat baldies 😉 ) but they split when he started to go crazy with here all the time as she was working and finding success and he was not !!

    All pretty sad !!

  • lmao this is the funniest thing I’ve ever read. I found your post by googling “i’m tired and bored and horny and lonely” rofl….. and from the past comments ( that I haven’t read ) it looks like it’s from 2004. I wasn’t disappointed though…

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