Stormy Weather

Here’s a poser for you, a moral dilemma, if you will:

If a person – me, for example – were to leave the house during the beginnings of a rain shower to pick up some vegan pepperoni for another person – say, Michael, for example – and I were to get caught in a sudden and very scary looking thunderstorm, which involved hail the size of pachyderm balls and midday pitch darkness and possible funnel clouds on the horizon, well, is it a good idea to leave a note?

I mean, if I were in that position, and I found myself stopped at a traffic light, praying to Zeus that I’d survive this frickin’ incredible storm he’d dreamed up, would it be acceptable to jot down a few words to my soon-to-be-widowed husband?

I was toying with something along these lines:

Dearest Michael,

Just wanted you to know that it’s TOTALLY your fault I’m dead.

Please kiss Charlotte for me and tell her Mommy loves her and that I’d be there with her if I could.

Oh, and please don’t let her see my remains if there’s a pole stuck through my skull or something. Tornadoes have been known to do extremely odd things like that. Heaven knows, we wouldn’t want her to be traumatized any more than could reasonably be expected in this situation.

Now I know you’ll say to yourself, “There was no way I could’ve known the storm would get so brutal so quickly. It wasn’t my fault. It was just bad luck.”

Well, honey, if it helps you get to sleep at night, you can believe that, but just remember: I blame you. Need I remind you that cheese pizza was just fine with me?

So, goodbye forever, my love, and best wishes for your eternal remorse.


PS – You’ll find the pepperoni on the seat next to my corpse. Enjoy your death pizza.

Comments 10

  • vegan pepperoni?
    man, i am lucky to find notbacon 50 kms away from me… i don’t think vegan pepperoni even exists here in Oz…

  • You think you’d have time to write all that with the tornado bearing down on you?

  • That is a perfectly fine letter to leave behind. A legacy I’m sure he will treasure. I’ll bet they’ll even get it framed (along with the wrapper from the pepperoni– they’ll, of course, eat the pepperoni at your wake, so they’ll only have the wrapper left for posterity.)

    But what might be even better than a letter is if you get one of those little portable recorders– that way, they’ll not miss any of the subtle nuances of your voice, and they might even catch the crashing glass and raging wind of the tornado. As well as the cackle of the Wicked Witch of the East yelling “Surrender Debbie!!!!” 😉

  • You should at least put the pepperoni in the glove box to keep your remains from tainting it during the storm. He did want vegan, sheesh. If you are going to leave a legacy make it a healthy one.

    Nice letter though, maybe you should pre-write it with blanks for the time place and food you are running to get. Be prepared!

  • It’s been raining pretty bad this year in Georgia too, and I may have to write something similar. I would replace “pole” with “tree branch”, through, because over the past month I’ve seen at least three trees fallen within one block from my apartment building.

  • I think that’s a great letter. Saves him from having to wonder whether your untimely demise was somehow his fault, so he can skip the confusion and go straight to the guilt. Nice of you to be thinking of him that way in your last moments.

  • “Death pizza?” ahahahahahahAHAHAHAHAHA! Thank you, Debbie. Needed the laugh.

  • i will be laughing about “death pizza” for the next hour, at least.

    (homer: mmm … death pizza …)

  • i think it’s pretty clear who the funny one is now.

  • Sorry… but that made me laugh out loud. At work, no less. *cackle giggle*

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