Here’s a poser for you, a moral dilemma, if you will:
If a person – me, for example – were to leave the house during the beginnings of a rain shower to pick up some vegan pepperoni for another person – say, Michael, for example – and I were to get caught in a sudden and very scary looking thunderstorm, which involved hail the size of pachyderm balls and midday pitch darkness and possible funnel clouds on the horizon, well, is it a good idea to leave a note?
I mean, if I were in that position, and I found myself stopped at a traffic light, praying to Zeus that I’d survive this frickin’ incredible storm he’d dreamed up, would it be acceptable to jot down a few words to my soon-to-be-widowed husband?
I was toying with something along these lines:
Just wanted you to know that it’s TOTALLY your fault I’m dead.
Please kiss Charlotte for me and tell her Mommy loves her and that I’d be there with her if I could.
Oh, and please don’t let her see my remains if there’s a pole stuck through my skull or something. Tornadoes have been known to do extremely odd things like that. Heaven knows, we wouldn’t want her to be traumatized any more than could reasonably be expected in this situation.
Now I know you’ll say to yourself, “There was no way I could’ve known the storm would get so brutal so quickly. It wasn’t my fault. It was just bad luck.”
Well, honey, if it helps you get to sleep at night, you can believe that, but just remember: I blame you. Need I remind you that cheese pizza was just fine with me?
So, goodbye forever, my love, and best wishes for your eternal remorse.
PS – You’ll find the pepperoni on the seat next to my corpse. Enjoy your death pizza.