Having no athletic ability whatsoever can really put a damper on a person’s Olympic dreams, so I’ve sort of resigned myself to the fact that the best I can do for my country on that particular front is to watch the games attentively from my couch while stuffing popcorn in my face. The sacrifices I make in this quest will benefit
all of America nobody in particular.
It is in that same spirit, I present to you, these, my
HIGHLIGHTS FROM THE SOFA
The dumbest words ever spoken by an announcer at the Olympic games, and quite possibly, the dumbest thing ever said by anyone – past, present or future.
Not once but twice during the course of the swimming competitions, some moron commented that Inge De Bruijn of The Netherlands swims better at night. Did you catch all the subtle stupidity within stupidity there? Whatever you do, don’t think about that statement for too long – it just might cause aneurysms. All I know is that it definitely gave me a headache.
Now, to be fair, I couldn’t see the man’s face. He might have been joking, but he sure said it like it was a fact. TWICE.
I gotta tell ya, he’s lucky I didn’t have money for both the plane ticket to Athens and the sack of bricks. He might have found himself expounding his crazy shit at the bottom of the pool.
Most pissed I’ve seen my spouse over a game:
Paraphrasing Michael in regard to the U.S. basketball team getting creamed by Puerto Rico: “I can’t believe so many f*ck*n’ NBA stars can’t take a few f*ck*ng months off from their fu*k**g multi-million dollar salaries to compete for their country at The Olympic Games…If all the good players who were invited had gone, we would never have lost… I’m never spending another fuc**ng dollar to support the f*ckin* NBA.”
Please note: The NBA needn’t shake in their boots too much over his threat. To the best of my knowledge, Michael has never once attended a game or bought an NBA t-shirt. For that matter, he never even watches the games on television. But, yeah, so henceforward he will never do those things even more than he never did them before. Watch out, you NBA f**k*rs!
Quickest I’ve ever considered myself an expert in any field:
Fifteen minutes into watching men’s synchronized swimming I was (only half-jokingly) making remarks like, “That’s gonna be a deduction in the execution of the dive for the diver on the right. His body was arched as he entered the water.”
Biggest Olympic disappointments:
#1 Not enough hours in the day to watch all of the events I want to watch.
#2 That Patricia beat me to the punch on the pot joke. I’m hereby calling dibs on the next pot joke right here and right now. Can I get a witness?