I’m a Little Bit Bleeding from My Eyes

I’ve had country music forced upon me quite a bit lately, and I feel dirty all over. I’ve never been a fan, but I don’t recall that it was ever as much of a parody of itself as it is today. If the country music industry is serious, it should at least pretend it is joking in an attempt to save face.

In order to support my claim, I give you the following lyrics from real country songs:

I’d say this was my favorite, but I have no favorites – I hate all of them equally.

“…I keep my Christmas lights on on my front porch all year long,
And I know all the words to every Charlie Daniels song.
So here’s to all my sisters out there keepin it country.
Let me get a big “Hell, Yeah” from the redneck girls like me:
HELL YEAH! (HELL YEAH!)” – from “Redneck Woman” as performed by Gretchen Wilson

After hearing this particular song for the third time during my workday, I’m so close to snapping you can practically hear me crackle.

This one, I think, proves that Country music is being used as an extension of the long arm of the right wing:

“We take His name out of schools.
The lawyers say it breaks the rules.
Pledge of allegiance can’t be writ,
An’ under God, should not be said.
I wonder how He will take.
I just pray it’s not too late.

What if God quit tryin’,
He just turned away?
There were teardrops on his face?
Tell me, how would you feel?
You’d probably give up too,
If nobody believed in you.” – from “If Nobody Believed in You” by Joe Nichols

I take a bathroom break when I hear it on the radio. I have to. It makes me vomit in my mouth.

This one has a subtle message that comes through if you listen closely:

“Back when a hoe was a hoe
Coke was a coke
And crack’s what you were doing
When you were cracking jokes
Back when a screw was a screw
The wind was all that blew
And when you said I’m down with that
Well it meant you had the flu
I miss back when
I miss back when
I miss back when” – from “Back When” by Tim McGraw

It may just be my perception, but I can’t help thinking that he means he doesn’t like slang. Or drugs. Or, you know, black people.

I could go on for days with this, but I’ve almost reached the Toby Keith lyrics, and when you get to that point, it’s like shooting fish in a barrel. I fear if I stoop to that level you wouldn’t respect me in the morning. Know what I’m sayin’, yo?

If you do, let me get a big, “Hell yeah.” Or somethin’.

Comments 8

  • Just don’t listen to those songs backwards.

  • i went through a country phase. i was just as shocked as everyone else. i’m passed it now. but then again, i’m past most music nowadays. it’s all going downhilll if you ask me. but my point was … past it I may be, but I still love me some Vince Gill. 😀

    Toby Keith’s made a pact with the devil though. of this i’m pretty sure.

  • Are they playing it at work or something? Them lyrics don’t sound very pleasant.

  • Yeah, a guy has been playing it at work at a volume that makes it impossible to ignore. But, the good news is, I think they’ve moved him and his radio somewhere far away from me. My prayers were answered and not a moment too soon.

  • “God had teardrops on his face?”

    Isn’t that taking anthropomorphizing a bit too far? WE HURT HIS WITTLE FEELINGS? What a crybaby! Jeez! Get it over, God. And what about this Iraq thing? Can we get some help there, please?

    No wonder Bush won; you were too busy crying and shit. What happened to the strong God, the God we used to know? Did you take a Dr. Phil seminar or WHAT? Grow a pair!

    NUT UP GOD! *walks off muttering to self*

  • I think your trackback function is broken. I tried to ping this story and it got a 404.

  • I do not like any country music. I raised my kids on good rock and roll. I was in a store recently where they were playing very, very, very loudly a song about somebody’s grandpa dying. In fact with county music you could put this e-mail to a tune and sing it and have a winner. I want to shop in silence as I spend my hard earn dollar.

  • I was looking for something entirely different (don’t ask), but once I saw this post I just had to say something. That “Redneck Woman” song definitely puts the c*nt back in country, no joke.

    And don’t even get me started on Toby Keith. 😛

    Nice blog design…I’m still in the setup phase with WordPress. Argh.

    Peace out, and Happy Holidays to all!