I’m a somewhat homely, mild-mannered file clerk. By day, anyway. By night, I’m a sexy voluptuous video vamp. The girl who pouts her lips and whips her hair around in rock videos? That’s me. It’s just a matter of taking off my glasses and putting on the wig…Yeah, you’re right to point that out. There’s not much call for my line of work since the 80’s. Hence, I have to keep the file clerk thing on the side.

It’s not such a bad gig, really. The files are color-coded and I file them numerically. I know my numbers pretty well, so it’s never too challenging.

But, while on the surface it might appear that I am barely surviving a boring, seemingly meaningless existence, in reality I’m doing the most important job in the world. I’ve been trying to keep it hush-hush, but we’re all friends here. I feel I can tell you.

I am the time-keeper for the universe.

It’s a lofty title, but it’s not quite as glamorous as you might think. What it boils down to is this: Every fifteen minutes or so, I check my watch to make sure time is moving along the way it should. If it is, great. If not, we’re in big trouble. So far, so good.

But, here’s the bad news, folks. I’m not trying to alarm anyone, but I don’t know what will happen if my watch ever breaks, and the odds of that happening are probably rising exponentially with each passing hour. The truth is, the watch only cost $8.99 at Target when it was brand new, and that was almost a year ago. I just can’t be sure how much longer it’s gonna hold out.

I suppose I could get a new watch. I guess it’s kinda silly not to, when the fate of humanity hangs in the balance. On the other hand, it seems frivolous to spend $8.99 on another watch when the one I have seems to be working just fine.

Decisions, decisions…

Where was I?

Ah, yes. The main thing I want to convey to you here is that there is no need to thank me for keeping you and your loved ones safe from the collapse of the space-time continuum. You needn’t send elaborate gifts to show your gratitude for my taking on this monumental responsibility. No, no. It is reward enough for me just to see the happy faces when five o’clock rolls around.

Sometimes I have to stare really hard at my watch to get the day safely over and done with for all of us, but in the end, it’s worth it.

Comments 12

  • I will thank you for making sure 5 o’clock arives everyday–now can you do something about this 6 am thingy in the morning–can you make that go away? 🙂

  • That’s an important job you have there.

    I got my most recent watch ($19.99 from Target) for Christmas a year ago, and the band broke several months ago. So, I’m going to need a new watch band for Christmas THIS year.

  • Awesome post. Thanks for doing your part for humanity.

  • Does this mean you can also slow down time? I wouldn’t mind having an extra day to study for my math final. Thanks for the entertaining post, though. It’s helped me relax a bit.

  • If your watch ever does break, just let me know and I will spring into action to back you up until you can get a new watch. I have 4 clocks that I watch all day long, so I’m pretty sure I’m prepared.

  • i used to have that job! then i got promoted to “snack machine food tester”. sure, it says web programmer on my job description, but that’s just a fancy title.

  • I *knew* there was a reason for that feeling I’ve always had that someone was “watching” over us.

    Thank you for the validation!

  • It’s YOU!
    My keys were there, then they weren’t there, then the next day they were there.
    You need to work on the TIME SPACE CONTINUUM Debbie. PLEASE.

    (How’s the knitting coming along?)

  • The knitting is going great except that I have no time for it. You’d think, as time-keeper of the universe that I wouldn’t have that problem, wouldn’t you? Ah well. Sorry about the keys. I’ll try to do better.

  • Sigh…I guess I shouldn’t, at my advanced age, be surprised that the Timekeeper of the Universe uses a cheap throw-away watch. But there you have it, I’m a sentimentalist. I sort of envisioned an ultra-precise, brass universal orrery, powered by entropy.

    Target, huh? sigh.

  • the funniest! and most clever journal entry i have ever read. kudos.

  • i’m only posting here because the jennifer garner acting academy postings have closed. and. i. was. too. late.

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