Take Your Pick: Sittin On My Tuffet or Throwing My Curds Away

Poptarts for breakfast means I am a lazy slug. I haven’t shopped for groceries for about two weeks. I did buy bread and milk at Walgreens a few days ago, but that was only because I was there anyway to pick up my prescription. There is precious little food in the house.

Starvation is beckoning to me. Starvation is saying, “Yoohoo, Debbie dahling.” I’m trying to avoid her.

So…Poptarts. Poptarts have been known to set around our house FOREVER. I’m not fond of them, but I buy them because they keep well. Someday the logic police will come for me and they’ll shoot to kill.

Other stuff that does not get eaten, which I buy because I am wasteful and most assuredly hell-bound:

Cottage cheese – I throw the cottage cheese into the cart, I take it home, I put in the fridge. I remove it two months later to marvel at the expiration date and deposit the full container neatly into the trash. It looks good in the grocery store. Must be the lighting there – those clever bastards.

Apples – I buy these in anticipation of the day when I will offer one to my daughter as a snack and she will gratefully accept it. So far – nada.

Cantalope – I love cantalope, but I always forget I’ve bought it until it grows green fur. Pretty.

Potatoes – You know how when potatoes get old they start getting little stumps on them? Well, smarty pants, did you also know that if you leave a potato unattended for long enough those stumps turn the potato into what resembles a spud coral reef? I know stuff. Stuff I’m not proud of.

Comments 10

  • If you weren’t vegan, you might consider trying the Spam and Cheez Wiz on Wonderbread diet. It has over 300% more chemicals than Pop Tarts. Spam… doesn’t… go… bad…

  • Lettuce, radishes, spinach, cream cheese, sour cream, cucumbers. And a wide array of leftovers.

    Our “crisper” is often, literally, a wasteland of liquified produce. Seriously.

  • At this very moment, i have what looks like some sort of beauiful plant, growing in the vegetable bin. I am not ashamed to say that i am going to try to replant it today. Flowers arn’t cheap, and i’m not proud.

  • Bottle after bottle of old crusty barbeque sauce. I should pour them all together and make one full bottle of crusty barbeque sauce. Or I could throw them away…

  • Splenda sweetened “diet” cranberry juice. WHY? And it’s like $4 a bottle. It’s stinks bad in like, a week.
    Salad mix.
    Most of all of the produce that I “stock up” on at Costco.
    Lemons. A LOT of lemons and I don’t like lemons. Why are there always lemons in the kitchen bowl? I AM NOT PUTTING THEM THERE!
    Ice cream. I buy a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, eat the top inch of it, and throw it away 6 months later. Repeat every six months.
    Cilantro. Only because there’s no way we could ever eat anything that uses up the whole bunch.

    Strawberry PopTarts RULE.

  • Well I found out today that spaghetti sauce can grow a strange, tall blue greenish mold. And I only found it because I went shopping for the first time in almost three weeks!

  • Mmmm…spam and cheezwiz on wonderbread…ohh the delicacies of the rich.

  • There is one kind of pop tart I like: the brown sugar kind. And I never have seen them in Canada.

  • OH MY GOD THEY DON’T HAVE THE BROWN SUGAR ONES IN CANADA?

  • GOD THESE ARE GOOD

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