On a Road to Nowhere…Follow Along

Have you ever been behind one of those people who consistently drive 10-20 mph under the speed limit and wondered to yourself, “How does this person ever get anywhere?” Sure you have – ’cause you’re all philosophical like that.

I am too. I get especially philosophical when I’m rushing somewhere and I’m behind two people who not only drive slowly but insist on driving side by side like their frickin’ cars just got engaged to be married. What’s more, I have a theory about this very subject. It’s a little sketchy, but bear with me, I just might be onto something. Even the crackiest of crackpots is right every now and then.

I’ve thought about this long and hard and the best I can come up with is that maybe they really don’t get anywhere. Ever. They spend their lives in their cars, stuck in a self-perpetuated loop between one destination and another.

Diary of a Slow-Assed Driver (Spoken into a tape recorder.)

Wednesday, July 13, 2005
6:00 a.m. – Still on the road. I’m only ten miles away from work. I’m hoping I can get there today if I hurry. Uh-oh. There’s a green light. Better slow down.

3:00 p.m. – Stopped for a quick bite and for gasoline. It’s a good thing the wife keeps paying the credit card bills or I’d be dead on the highway by now. Still not at work. Only five miles to go.

6:30 p.m. – Got to work late again. It’s closed. Going home.

5:30 a.m. – I can see my house. But, shit! It’s five thirty. I gotta get to work. I can’t be late today, since I didn’t show up yesterday. Or the day before. Or the day before that. Nope. Better keep driving. I’ll just call Helen and the kids later and explain that I’m fine….

Disclaimer: The previous account was fictional. However, any resemblance to persons living or dead is completely intentional and not purely coincidental in the least. These people are out there. Furthermore, they need to get out of the way.

Comments 6

  • The slower the car in front of you the less of the drivers head you will see above the headrest. It’s always a 90 year old squinting through the top half of their steering wheel.

  • I have noticed sometimes that when they are going very slow, its because they are doing something else. Reading, eating, talking on the phone, looking in the back seat for whatever. Than i always think to myself , if they would go more than 20 miles an hour, they could do that stuff at home?

  • Since you’ve been gone awhile I’m figuring it must have been because you got stuck behind one of these people? 🙂 Nice to have you back…!

  • I once saw a car doing 35mph on the freeway, where prevailing traffic was 55mph, because the driver was receiving some, uh, personal attention from his passenger.

  • Your blog is so entertaining, I am a fan. Im going to bookmark you, and possibly add you to my blog list.

    Im sorry, I usually actually REPLY with something relevant, but I read several of your entries and Im dumbfounded, and I dont know where to begin. Maybe it will be easier next time if I just limit myself to reading one entry.
    Keep it up, youre a true blog hero (if there ever were such a thing)

  • I always think they do it to annoy people and just because they can get away with it.

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