Have you ever been behind one of those people who consistently drive 10-20 mph under the speed limit and wondered to yourself, “How does this person ever get anywhere?” Sure you have – ’cause you’re all philosophical like that.
I am too. I get especially philosophical when I’m rushing somewhere and I’m behind two people who not only drive slowly but insist on driving side by side like their frickin’ cars just got engaged to be married. What’s more, I have a theory about this very subject. It’s a little sketchy, but bear with me, I just might be onto something. Even the crackiest of crackpots is right every now and then.
I’ve thought about this long and hard and the best I can come up with is that maybe they really don’t get anywhere. Ever. They spend their lives in their cars, stuck in a self-perpetuated loop between one destination and another.
Diary of a Slow-Assed Driver (Spoken into a tape recorder.)
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
6:00 a.m. – Still on the road. I’m only ten miles away from work. I’m hoping I can get there today if I hurry. Uh-oh. There’s a green light. Better slow down.
3:00 p.m. – Stopped for a quick bite and for gasoline. It’s a good thing the wife keeps paying the credit card bills or I’d be dead on the highway by now. Still not at work. Only five miles to go.
6:30 p.m. – Got to work late again. It’s closed. Going home.
5:30 a.m. – I can see my house. But, shit! It’s five thirty. I gotta get to work. I can’t be late today, since I didn’t show up yesterday. Or the day before. Or the day before that. Nope. Better keep driving. I’ll just call Helen and the kids later and explain that I’m fine….
Disclaimer: The previous account was fictional. However, any resemblance to persons living or dead is completely intentional and not purely coincidental in the least. These people are out there. Furthermore, they need to get out of the way.