Rocky Raccoon and Her Mother

“Regrets, I have a few, but then again too few to mention…” – Frank Sinatra from “My Way”

I will do almost anything disgusting or silly to my daughter if it will get a laugh out of her. I’ve told you that I like to pretend to wipe snot on her, right? Well, if I think it might make her laugh, I’ll do it. It’s almost the same way with the blog. I’ll cross the lines of good taste to get a laugh and/or a comment or two.

Thing is, there’s something about Charlotte that worsens this tendency in me. I nibble her, I bite her, and I tickle her. There’s no pressure to be witty or intelligent to get a laugh. The bar is lowered considerably in my dealings with my kid. All I have to do to make her laugh is tickle her or be gross, and I’m generally more than up to the task.

So, one day, a couple of years ago, we were wrestling around and…

Enough stalling. I’m just going to pull the bandaid off quickly and get it over with:

I sucked her eyeballs.

There must be a good explanation, right?

Sure there is. Think of one for me, will you? For the life of me, all I remember about why I did it is that I thought she’d laugh at how gross it felt.

I honestly didn’t think about or expect any consequences for my actions, and if you suck someone’s eyelids you should be prepared for the repercussions.

But, not me. When we were done wrestling, I simply went about my daily routine. (I always try to suck eyeballs early in the day, so that I have plenty of time for the rest of my busy schedule.)

So, I gotta tell ya, it caught me completely off guard when, about a half an hour later, Michael asked me, “What the hell happened to Charlotte’s face? She has two black eyes!”

His words rang in my ears. I screeched “No!” and ran up the stairs to look at my poor daughter.

You see, even as dumb as I am, I knew immediately what I had done — I had given my kid two eye hickies.

And, while I can see humor in it now, I certainly didn’t back then. My emotions were racing. Mortified and Horrified were neck and neck in the lead, while Exasperated, Embarassed and Dismayed were vying for the second, third, and fourth places.

If my husband wanted to have me institutionalized, he could use any number of stories to get the job done, and this one is definitely in the top five.

So, I sent my kid to school with two black eyes, and left it up to her to explain what happened, because I couldn’t bring myself to write a note like this:

To Whom It May Concern:

There’s no need for concern for Charlotte’s safety at home. I sucked her eyelids to make her laugh. I’m very very weird but not abusive.

Thank You For Your Kind Consideration of This Matter and Please Stop Laughing.

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