Movie Nostalgia (Giggle.)

My criteria for judging a movie’s merit is based on actually being entertained by it. I do not like movies that are so artsy I am constantly having to wonder, “What is the point? Where is the point?… Did I already miss the point when I was in the restroom earlier and now I’ll never even know if there was one?…Am I just stupid?… Wait. I think I get it now….No. Never mind. That’s not where it’s going…Is it over yet?”

So, what does make for a good flick? The simple answer is this: Arnold Schwarzenegger’s butt.

Does anyone else remember fondly how awesome Arnold’s naked butt looks in the first Terminator movie? They only show it for a second. But, that’s all it takes. You know that his is truly an ass to be feared. They show the good guy’s butt, too. His butt is sad and uninspiring. But, showing it right after Arnold’s is brilliant movie-making, and I’ll tell you why.

When we watch a horror flick, what scares us most? Vulnerability. (The example that comes to mind immediately is Jamie Lee Curtis trying to run from Michael Myers in Halloween II. It’s that much scarier, because her leg is already injured. Therefore, she is slower than normal and – bingo – vulnerable.)

Anyway, in Terminator, they demonstrate the vulnerability of the protagonist by showing Arnold’s rock-hard, beautiful butt. The good guy’s ass is scrawny and pathetic. The Terminator has buns of steel. As an audience, we can only fear for the poor bastard who must try to protect Sarah Connor in spite of his obvious inferiority to the machine that is just too damn sexy.

I’m looking forward to seeing T3: Rise of the Machines. What can I say? They should show Arnold’s butt again in this one.(Duh.) However, since he is one of the good guys in T3, they can’t show it right away or we’ll know there is nothing to fear. They should reveal it at the end (no pun intended) as sort of a secret weapon.

Look for more slightly horny movie reviews here this week. Tomorrow I’ll discuss Outlaw Josey Wales versus Unforgiven for best Eastwood flick. Hint: Younger, less grizzled Clint wins my vote.

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