Revisions To My John Waters Post

I’m writing this to apologize to anyone who was offended by my previous post.

First I want to apologize to Macauley Culkin himself. He was just a kid when he made Home Alone. His parents probably even forced him to do it. He was a victim of that movie just like I was. Sorry, man.

Second, I apologize to anyone who was offended by the implication that rape is funny. Rape is never funny. It’s just not.

However, when the person being raped by a giant lobster happens to know the lobster’s name, and you imagine that this might be a date rape situation, that’s funny, well, because it’s a lobster. (No date rape isn’t funny either. Geez, you’re a pain. Why do you always have to be so difficult? Will you just let it go for Pete’s sake?)

Some of you might respond to this by saying, “Sure lobster rape is funny, until someone loses an eye.” Well, frankly, I think that is hilarious! You are all comic geniuses, and I really hope we can be friends.

Last but not least, I’d like to apologize for this entire post. I should probably just delete it, but if I don’t and you see it, I’m sorry in advance.

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