Sean Connery Must Be Stopped

I am putting together a League of Extraordinary Gentlemen to save the world from Sean Connery’s latest disaster of a movie. It was extraordinarily bad in an extraordinary way. I mean, a film usually has to center around a talking dragon to be this bad.

Sean Connery is so smug in this movie. I am going to start avoiding him altogether. (I’m not going to return his calls. It’s over.) Maybe I’m developing an allergy to smugness. He just doesn’t set right with me anymore. I saw this movie two days ago, and I still feel like I need a Tums.

I admit that a certain amount of the ego he conveys on the screen is demanded for the kind of character he plays in this film. But, I almost have to suspect that some – if not all – of this cockiness is part of his true persona when I consider that he has also portrayed a smug dragon, a smug King Arthur, and a smug ex-con.

But, enough about Sean. He was only one of many reasons this movie made me lose my very will to live. The writing basically consisted of throwing some beloved fictional characters together and then sucking the life out of them so that they resemble their originals in name alone.

How do you make Tom Sawyer, Mina Harker, The Invisible Man or Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde extraordinarily boring? Well, you have to completely lack imagination and wit. Not many folks are as devoid of these two characteristics as the writers of League of Extraordinary Gentlemen seem to be.

There is no way this movie could have been more bland and implausible both at the same time. Those two traits don’t usually go hand in hand. I mean, in Charlies Angels: Full Throttle just about every scene was impossible, but it was a fun movie overall. I have no problem suspending my disbelief for a couple of hours if a movie is intentionally silly or over the top. League lacks the humour that is required to pull off the improbable subject matter it presents.

But, here’s the important part of this post. I want to form a group that will serve to protect theater goers from dangerously bad movies. I am trying to figure out what kind of super powers will be most helpful in this venture.

First and foremost, you should be able to withstand lots of pain in case you are ever asked to enter a theater where this movie is playing in order to drag someone out who has lost consciousness or is just lying in the aisle flopping like a fish out of water.

Of course, I won’t ask anyone to do such a drastic thing unless all other options have been exhausted. My hope is that we can catch most would be viewers in the lobby before they even buy tickets, thereby preventing any damage to them or us. If we can get some funding for our cause, we can even offer to buy them tickets to a less harmful film.

Everyone, please consider joining my league. But, if you can’t do that for whatever reason, at least be aware of the dangers involved in viewing this stinker of a film and warn others whenever possible.

The potential for smugness in League of Extraordinary Gentlemen is in the high severe reddish area of the threat meter thingy. Be on alert.

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