Oracle Smoracle

We just saw Matrix Revolutions. I guess I liked it better than Matrix Reloaded, which I didn’t like at all. If I had to sum it up in one word, my word would be, “Blah.”

But, the one thing gets to me about this movie – and all the matrix movies, really – is that the “Oracle” character is completely useless, yet Neo and the rest of his crew cannot so much as wipe their respective posteriors without consulting her first.

Why do they waste their time asking this woman anything? They’d have a much better shot at getting a straight answer from a Magic 8 Ball.

The Oracle’s preset answer to almost any question you ask her is, “When the time comes, you’ll make that choice.” Then there’s her other favorite catch phrase, “You know the answer to that yourself.”

Huh? What? Oh thank you, Oracle! You’ve helped me so much.

You’re a great oracle….

FOR ME TO POOP ON!!!

What use is seeing the future if all you do is sit on your ass, eating cookies and making remarks like, “I knew that was gonna happen. Yep – that too. And, I also knew that other thing was gonna happen, but if I had told you it would have ruined the surprise.”

I could be the frickin’ oracle for Pete’s sake! I couldn’t be any worse at it than she is. Are there no bakeries that would hire her? That’s where she needs to be. Her cookies might be good, but her advice doesn’t even qualify as advice. It would be much more accurate to refer to her as “The Great Sounding Board Who Bakes.”

I’ll tell you what – ask me a question here, any question at all, and I’ll give you an “oracle response” to it. I’ll waive my usual consultation fee.

But, try not to be too upset if I’m no help to you. Remember, I never claimed to be helpful, just oracle-like in my wisdom.

Comments 7

  • I loved the Oracle in the first Matrix…her character really pulled the sci-fi aspect of the movie back into reality. In Reloaded, her quote was “Why are we here? Candy. I just love candy.” What’s sad is the actress that played her died of diabetes before Revolutions finished shooting.

  • Now I feel all guilty for badmouthing a dead person. Thanks, Sean. 😛

    Seriously, though, I knew that was why they changed her look, and for all my ranting, I actually like the character’s personality, which is a credit to the actresses.

    You’re right about her role in the first movie being more defined.

    But, you gotta admit she’s at least 80% useless.

  • > What use is seeing the future […]

    This is fairly consistent with economists, horoscopes and the Delphic Oracle (http://www.pantheon.org/articles/d/delphi.html) who basically sat on her ass in “strange hallucinating vapors” — not unlike fresh-baked cookies — and would never/could never give a straight answer.

    Brilliant strategy. Because when you’re The Frickin Oracle you’re always right, your interpreters were just slacking off that day.

    Consider the most recent speech by the Federal Reserve Oracle (http://www.federalreserve.gov/BoardDocs/speeches/2003/20031106/default.htm).

    “The exact magnitude of such risks are very difficult to estimate, but they are of enough concern, in my judgment, to warrant aiming to close the fiscal gap primarily, if not wholly, from outlay restraint. At the same time, the dimension of the challenge, especially in later years, cannot be underestimated. The one certainty is that the resolution of this situation will require difficult choices, and the future performance of the economy will depend on those choices.”

    I don’t know about you, but I heard:

    “Blah blah there is no spoon blah blah when the time comes, you’l make that choice blah blah.”

  • LMAO I think you are absolutely right.

  • can you tell me where i left my scarf? seriously, i lost it and my neck is cold.

  • Bryan, be comforted that the scarf is not lost, it’s just that you and I don’t know where to find it. The scarf itself knows where it is…

    Also, I feel sure that you will remember where you left it as soon as you cough up the dough for a new one or spring arrives, whichever comes first.

  • i don’t know why it didn’t get off its ass and just let me know that it was in my car. i always sort of thought that it was an asshole.

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