Credentials: Master of the Force, Padawan in the John Cleese School of Silly Walks

We were not in the theater to see “Revenge of the Sith” on the weekend it opened. I wasn’t feeling well, and rather than drag me anyway, Michael suggested we wait and see it some other time. As a result, he was shamed by his fellow geeks at work and now feels somewhat less of a man. At least he wasn’t banished. I hear you can get banished from the Secret Order of the Geeks for a grievous offense like that.

Speaking of Grievous, General Grievous has a Hamster Wheel of Death and that makes everything alright. I’m trying to get a song together with that idea as the main thrust, but it’s not coming together the way I want it to. I’d like the song to have kind of a retro Monkee’s feel to it, but I can’t decide where to put the “hey hey”s or the “no no no”s. Also, not much rhymes with Grievous.

My songstressing woes aside, I must admit that I liked the movie overall, because gadgets never fail to impress me. And, although Grievous met his death because he was a clumsy oaf, he had FOUR lightsabers, which you must admit is quite something. Four lightsabers! Can you imagine the time you could save making a salad if you had some mad utensils like that?

Also, I gotta give Lucas many props on killing Padme. Good call. The only way to improve on that would be to clone her and then promptly kill her again. Could she have possibly been more bland even if they had poured her out of a white box labeled “BLAND” in large black capital letters? I’m not talking about hotness here. Amazingly, she is both incredibly hot and incredibly bland at the same time. It’s unsettling. Yet, I can almost hear the discussion that must have taken place in order for this miracle of duality to happen. “We have this hot actress, let’s give her some lines that convey a personality of some sort. We did that with Carrie Fischer. We could do it again.” Then some slug chimes in with, “No, ’cause if we do that, we have to make Samuel L. Jackson’s character likeable too. It’s too much trouble. Nah, let’s just dress her up.”

So, they dressed her up and then killed her and that makes everything alright. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I would normally close there, because “yeah, yeah, yeah” is such a good way to end a train of thought. But, we have to talk about Vader. Specificically, the scene where they put Anakin in his Vader gear for the first time.

One word: “Spaceballs.”

The helmet is too big! Or, is the head too small? Either way, putting the big helmet on and then doing the burnt Sith walk was comic gold.

My husband explained to me – rather condescendingly, I might add – that Anakin is badly burnt in the scene and is trying to get used to the new gear. Well, DUH. (Notice how I revert into a ten year old child when I get defensive? That’s just one of my many charms.) But, in my never humble opinion, where Lucas was trying to convey the horror of Frankenstein, he got Dark Helmet instead.

Nobody has to agree with me. At least not yet. (I’m having a hard time getting that bill passed for some strange reason.)

May the scwartz be with you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Comments 10

  • You have nailed it on the head. I half expected the ship to make the jump to plaid…

  • I imagine the behind camera coverstation something like:

    “uh, did that vader suit look that lame when we did it the first time?”

    “(shrug) prequels. whaddayagonna do?”

    And Padme only needed to be around long enough to play “eve” and corrupt the whole damn force. Why bother with a personality?

  • leaveus

    that’s all I’ve got for now

    oh and of course beavis

  • “Now you see why Evil will always triumph; because Good is dumb.”

    “We’re at Now sir. Everything that’s happening Now is happening Now.”
    “What happened to then?”
    “We missed it!”
    “Just now!”

    “When will Then be Now?”

    Best. Movie. Ever.

  • I keep trying to get my head around the scene where Anakin’s legs have been light sabered off and the lava splashes the end of his leg stumps and his old pal Obi-Wan just kind of stands around and watches…

    Anakin: EEEAYAAAAAAAAA! My frickin legs

    Obi-Wan: You were the chosen one, why?

    Anakin: ARRRRRRRGHHHH. Oh, the PAIN…is that lava splashing on me?

    Obi-Wan: Yeah it is, yikes that looks painful…..anywho, I better get going…traffic is going to be a bitch.

    Anakin: YEEEEARRRRGGGLLLLL, I am actually starting to burst into flames here, how about a little help for God’s sake?

    Obi-Wan: Wow, look at that! Your suit must be polyester or something.

    Aanakin: YEEEALLLLGHHRRRGGGHHH! Boy, this is a lingering pain…

    Obi-Wan: Sooooo, uhm…I gotta grab your wife and skidaddle…ahh…man, this is awkward….take care, catch you on the flip!

    Anakin’s Burnt Husk: Oh you S.O.B., if I ever catch up with you again, I am so gonna light saber your ass!

  • Yeah, a mercy killing might have been in order. But, giving the devil his due, Obi Wan had a recipe for Sith on a Stick he’d been meaning to try for some time and the burnt part IS the best. Shrug.

  • I agree I agree I agree

  • I’m a Features reporter at The Courier-Journal and I’m doing a story about local bloggers. I’d like to talk to you about your blog. Might you a brief phone interview sometime? … Thanks.

  • But how does Leia remember her mother if she died in fricking childbirth? that annoyed the crap out of me.
    I can just imagine in the next sooper-dooper-last-time-i-fuck-with-it-until-next-year edition of Jedi that Lucas will change the tender Leia/Luke scene thus:
    Luke: Leia… do you remember your mother? Your real mother?
    Leia: (voice noticeably redubbed with older drug-addled Carrie Fisher) No… no, not at all. Why do you ask?

  • Personally I loved the meolodramtic ‘nooooooooo’ that he screams as he has his helmet put on. It’s like something from a bad HP Lovecraft movie “Damn you Salazar!!”

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