Weird Searches Version 6.0
Thursday May 13th 2004, 1:03 pm
Filed under: Weird Searches

Question: Is she so desperate for material that she’s doing another weird searches post?

Answer: Yes. Yes, she is. I is. Whatever.

So, yeah, the words underlined below are the actual search words some unlucky bastards typed into their search bars only to find my site. My responses immediately follow the search words.

lonely fat and horny

Don’t use this on your resume, but hey we’ve all been there. When I was lonely, fat and horny, I tended to add drunkenness into the mix whenever possible. I found it took the edge off the other three maladies quite nicely.

And, when you’re lonely, fat, horny and drunk, you’ll feel the world is your oyster – that is, until the thought of oysters in general makes you puke up all that tequila you swigged down like it was fucking Kool-aid. What the fuck was I…were you thinking?

piss in shoe

Was that your shoe? I’m shorry. Couldn’t help it. Drunk too mush tequila. Got a mint? Thank you very mush. Wanna see my etshings? No? You sure? Ok, I’m pulling my pants back up now.

answer me great oracle

Loose lips sink ships.

photos of bored mussels

The last time I threw a party the Mollusks left early using a lame excuse about having to filter silt early the next morning, but at least I got a picture before they rushed off.

sour gnats

We of the open mouth clan do tend to have the problem of unintentionally swallowing more than our share of bugs but, damn, if you’re eating enough of them to do taste comparisons, maybe you should consider shutting up for a minute or two. Just a suggestion.

potato booty

Prepare to be boarded! We are commandeering this Ore Ida vessel. If ye desireth to live, ye had best tell Cap’n Morgan where ye keepest the french fries. Arr.

what is a pair of tens called?

It’s called – drumroll please – a pair of tens. *faint clash of cymbals*

Thanks for coming out, folks. I’ll be here all week.

veet hair removal hurts your legs

See my choir robe? Turn and face the congregation, sister.

how to wipe your ass

Uh, not to be rude, but if you’re old enough to read, you’re getting this lesson kinda late.

That’s all I’ve got for you today. But, I’ll leave you with the immortal words of Cher:

“This is a song for the lonely (and fat and horny), can you hear me callin’ you?”

Weird Searches Number Whatever
Thursday January 15th 2004, 11:15 am
Filed under: Weird Searches


So, here’s how it goes. This is where I respond to some actual searches people have typed into their search bar only to find my site. It’s supposed to be funny, but I’m all sardonic and lethargic today, so I’ll make no promises.

Actual search words are underlined. My responses follow.

How to be a crackwhore

Maybe you imagine that you are way ahead of other potential crackwhores, because you are taking the time to research the ins and outs of the job here on the internet. Well, you’re wrong. The other potential crackwhores are out there right now giving blowjobs for coke. Get movin’, girly. All you need to know is that you’ll do anything for crack. Don’t over-think this thing.

George Bush wants to put a man on the sun

Well, no, I don’t think he’s admitted to that. But, he’d probably like to. Especially if we’re talking about a gay man.

horrors committed in the name of god

Well, isn’t that special? Which search engine sent this person here?

Yeah, it’s a crappy website. I don’t update it as much as I should, and it looks atrocious, but I never claimed God had anything to do with it.

Aside to God: I never tried to shift the blame for for this onto you. It’s all a big misunderstanding. Please don’t smite me with a thousand thunderbolts. Thanks. Uh, we cool now, right?

photos evil

I’m not sure I agree. All photos, or just the ones taken at the DMV? ‘Cause you know the debil crawled into the camera there and they can’t git ‘im out.

So, there you have it. Another weird searches post. Or, if you prefer, another “horror committed in the name of God.”

As usual, I’ll end this with a general thank you to all the porn fans who make this web site popular by doing these searches:

claire redfield porn

snow white and the seven dwarfs porn

wil wheaton naked pics porn

To the person who did that last search I listed, please go ask Uncle Willy himself to supply you with such things. He already told me no.

Please Not Another Post with Weird Searches
Wednesday August 20th 2003, 10:34 am
Filed under: Weird Searches

The actual search words are underlined.

my first rectal exam

First there was the best selling book My First Visit to the Doctor, then there was My First Visit to the Zoo, and now finally you can buy the beautifully illustrated My First Rectal Exam in the hardbound edition. Not for the squeamish.

free pics of skin rashes

Each to his own, I always say.

mad eyelash curler

Run away. Run away. It’s mad, I tell you. Completely insane!

veet tofu

I don’t know how you cook, but in my kitchen Veet hair remover and tofu will never meet.

Freddy Kroger

Nine people have done this search now. While this is obviously a misspelling of Krueger, it’s funny to me, because Freddy Kroger is real. He doesn’t come to you in nightmares, but he will call your mother-in-law and creep you out. Sean started the “Freddy Kroger” joke in the comments section of that post.

That’s all I’ve got.

My counter has been removed as it was completely bumming me out. I was checking it in an obsessive-compulsive manner. I had to be stopped. Michael talked me down from my proverbial ledge.

Still More Weird Searches
Monday July 14th 2003, 4:53 pm
Filed under: Weird Searches

Yep, I’m out of ideas again. This will be the third time I’ve done this, so I’m making it a category. As before, the underlined words are the actual search words folks typed into their search bar only to end up here. I didn’t correct spelling in the searches etc.

fart porn

Do I even need to comment? Fart porn? Isn’t that just funny in it’s own right?

mountain dew and itching

Really? Itching from Mountain Dew consumption? Go to the doctor. You got a poisoned can or you are allergic to it. Mountain Dew will make you jittery and keep you up all night if you drink it late in the evening. It should not make you itch. Seriously, see a doctor when you get done scratching.

scott baio jeans

Surely these never existed, did they? I remember Farah Fawcett Jeans being an actual brand name at one point. Maybe Scott Baio Jeans are a real item. I don’t own any vintage Scott Baio wear. Sorry. I would sell it if I did.

ettiquette for mother visiting son w/live in girlfriend

I can be of help here. Ok, if you are the mom, there is one rule of etiquette that is clear. Do not call his live-in girlfriend a ho. If you are the live-in girlfriend and your boyfriend’s mom visits you, she should not call you a ho. I hope I have cleared up any confusion. I lived with my husband before we got married, and the fact that his mom never called me a ho made my relationship with her much more comfortable.

cannibalism porn

Someone doing this search has gotten to my site 5 different times. I’m hoping it’s just one sick bastard and not five different sick bastards. By the way, these five are in addition to the “cannibalism porno pics” search that I mentioned here.

I wrote a much better post than this for today, but ended up not publishing it due to the fact that it was based totally on an insane idea I had that was proven to be pure fantasy only after I wrote about it.

I may be going nuts for real, and I don’t want everyone to know just how far gone I am. I’ll just say here that it involved the insects in my driveway and The Blair Witch Project.

Anyway, apologies to anyone getting bored with the funny search word posts. I’ll try and do better from now on.

More Weird Searches
Sunday June 15th 2003, 9:26 pm
Filed under: Weird Searches

This post is a sequel to my 5/28 post. I feel the need to say thanks to all my readers who, while searching for porn and/or leg wax on the internet, have found my site and been frustrated.

I have underlined actual words or phrases people typed in to their search bar. Please note that I didn’t correct spelling or change the search words in any way.

optomotrist sex

Hmm. This seems like a fairly specific sort of porn. I wonder if this person was seeking to exclusively view Optometrists having sex with each other or if they might also be interested in seeing Optometrists having sex with Podiatrists or even Ophthalmologists. Also, I can’t imagine how, as a consumer, you could ever be certain that the people on the screen had licenses of any sort. For all you know, they could just be pretending to be licensed Optometrists when in reality they are high school drop outs in glasses. I fear this kind of masquerade could happen all the time and no one would be the wiser.

cannibalism porno pics

Well, there’s sick and then there’s sick, and then there’s this person. Sick doesn’t even begin to describe it. Good lord. If somebody can come up with a synonym for sick that even comes close to touching on this guy’s dementia, please let me know.

build fart

I guess I’ll go on the assumption that he was trying to build a “fort” and not a fart. If he’s trying to build a fart, he’s way over-thinking the whole matter.

how to make a small but scary rollercoaster out of junk found at home

First thing that comes to mind when I see this is, “Hey, man, it’s a keyword search not some sort of stream of consciousness writing assignment that your college professor gave you. More is less in this case.” Also, what the hell kind of roller-coaster could he build? I see he uses the word “small”, but how small a roller-coaster are we talking about here? If it’s tiny, why does it need to be scary? Does he have a hamster he’s pissed at?

Before I close, I have to mention I have now gotten twelve hits from people who were searching for “Veet” leg wax. That’s a whole jury’s worth of folks with hairy legs who may very well still be looking for those usage instructions.

Also, I’ve had seven more people hit my site seeking porn involving “bored housewives”. The porn’s still not here. But, your searches continue to amuse me…So thanks.

I Know You Found Me By Accident, But Please Stay and Have Coffee
Wednesday May 28th 2003, 8:30 am
Filed under: Weird Searches

My husband has set up for me a great stats page. This means I can see what people doing internet searches were actually looking for when they found my site by accident. The stats page doesn’t show me their degree of disappointment, however. This I must surmise on my own. For this reason, I wish people would leave comments for me.

Anyway, I always giggle my butt off when I look at my stats. So, I’m going to share some of that information with you, my beloved readers.

The underlined words are the actual phrases people typed into their search bar only to find little old me (in error, of course).

arnold naked
I hope this person had more luck finding naked Schwarzenegger pics than I did when I performed the same search. Can anyone help us out here?
Date of my related post – 5/20

grinch slippers
In case the person who was looking for grinch slippers ever came back, I wanted to post a link to where grinch slippers were actually sold. I had no luck. Maybe they only try to sell them at Christmas? I, personally, am grinchy even in August, so I really don’t understand that marketing strategy.
Date of my related post – 5/14

Veet instructions
This really got me tickled. I hope this person read my “Instructions for Veet Use” and just threw away the leg wax or never bought it at all. If that is the case, I performed a valuable public service by saving someone some grief.
Date of my related post – 5/7

home alone bored housewives free
This one is weird to me, mainly because I used the words “home alone” in one of my posts and “bored housewives” in another. This makes me wonder if this person was deliberately trying to find my website. Since that is a highly unlikely scenario, I thought it through. I decided that they must have been seeking just exactly the sort of porno that I mention in my May 19 post. The search word “free” makes that a pretty good bet!
Dates of related posts – 5/22 and 5/19.

Anyway, thanks for visiting me even if it’s only by accident!